I think I can?

Here we are, October already.  I guess some of you call it "Fall"?  I don't know anything about that... I live in Hell, remember?  So, yeah, here in Arizona there is no such thing as "Fall". 
I guess I can't complain, it is cooling down a little.  Hell, it's only 89 degrees right now! (of course it *is* 8:00 pm, lol!)  But anyways, it is cool enough now that I can run outside in the mornings (on the weekend for my longer runs), and it is such a nice change!
I don't really have too much to say.  Been pretty "blah" lately.  Was sick for about a week, still actually getting over it, and just feeling down and discontent with too many aspects of my life.  It's not really like me, I'm always a positive person, and I know this will pass and miss "glass half full" will be back in no time because I'm really not one to dwell on the negatives.  If I did I think it would consume me and I would be in a very dark place.   I always used to believe that if I work hard enough I can reach any goals I set for myself, but lately I am acutely aware that maybe some dreams are just meant to be that... dreams.
But tomorrow I will lace up my shoes, get out the door nice and early and run my sadness away.  I expect there to be a bit of pain, I haven't run since my 6 mile run last Saturday, but for some strange reason I am looking forward to it.  I find when I run it's very calming for me.  The sense of accomplishment when I am done and the goal I am working towards brings me happiness that I *CAN* do this.  And if I can do this running thing, I know I can do anything. 

What's new?

Well here we are, more time has passed, everything has changed yet stayed the same all at once.  So what's been going on with you?  Me?  Well.....
The kids started school almost a month ago.  My little baby boy is in Kindergarten!!!  How the hell did that happen?????  And don't even get me started on my girl, started 7th grade!  JUNIOR HIGH!!!  And yes, because this is how my mind works.... Holy shit Mia is gonna start Kindergarten NEXT YEAR!!!  Don't get me wrong, the idea of not paying as much for daycare as we have been paying sounds like all colors of amazing, but I'm just sooooo not ready for all of this!!!  They are my BABIES! 
But, as time does, it just keeps on marching along, whether or not I am ready for it...



Ashlynn and AJ on the first day of School

... And of course Mia had to join in!!

So one would think I would have been a mess?  I sure as hell thought I would be and I just KNEW there would be tears on my part.... but there weren't!  Somehow (only God knows how really), I mustered up the strength to stay composed and I didn't even shed one single tear!  To be honest, I *almost* started flowing tears when the teacher read "The Kissing Hand" to the class.  So that is when I made my exit from the classroom, LOL!

So the kids are loving school and it's all good and all that crap.  Oh yeah, and me.. I'm in school as well.  Stupid fucking class that I will conquer (this time) or it will conquer me.  There is no in between.  I will either do this shit, or I will die trying.  Literally.  *sigh*  No I am doing ok in it, but I'm terrified to get cocky and think I'm on top of it....So I'm not going to speak of stupid class again until it is over....

My injury from my fall at the grocery store?  It's not totally healed yet.  It is finally starting to heal, but believe it or not, the ankle and knee are still swollen and the spectra of colors is still present.  Lets be honest here, it ain't pretty.  Not that my legs ever were... But now?  Not pretty.

And running?  Still not a possibility, which is absolutely killing me.  For reals.  And who would think I would miss the little things, like seriously when on earth will I ever be able to go down on my knees for anything again?  OMG, now don't go all pervy on my, sheesh, I don't mean anything like that! (or do I? LOL!)  I mean, take for instance, when I go to get a folder at work or turn on a certain computer, I used to be able to just get on my knees and do it, but not anymore.  Oh, wait, I didn't need to explain myself?  Your mind didn't go there?  Oh my.  *awkward*..

Well, still dealing with the Albertson's claim as well.  Now they are telling me that they could not find the fall on tape... very interesting as I told them the time it happened (within 20 minutes) and where it happened at.  And to check it, I went into the store and looked at the area where I fell.  Wow, 3 cameras within very close proximity of where I fell, and then a total of 5 or 6 that I could see from the area where I fell.  So I emailed them a picture of exactly where my knee hit the ground so that they can review the tapes again.  And now I wait and see...

And there you have it my friends!  My life, in a nutshell... for today at least!  Well, there *is* more that I could talk about, but I'm not gonna today, cuz that's just how I roll....

hurt

I haven't blogged in a long time.  Apparently it is more of the norm and not the exception for my blogging habits.  But then I think about it, and really it's not like this is a highly read blog.  Looking at how often people comment on my blog, I sometimes wonder if I should just shut this thing down because it's not like it's really anything but pieces of me that I decide to share.  But then again, it IS pieces of me; and if people want to read and comment then AWESOME, and if they don't, then oh well.
I do wonder often who is looking at my blog.  This is one reason I love comments.  I remember each of the people that comment, and it lets me know that they care, or that they are nosey (LOL, I'm KIDDING!!!)!  I can see when my blog is visited and where from.  Often I can see the location and know who it was, and it makes my heart a little happy.  And then there are others.  Like, take for instance, the person that regularly visits from Russia.  OH how I wonder who it is!  Just comment already?!!!  It's-a-makin-me-crazy!  LOL!
Ok, so now for what I came here to write before I went off on a tangent!  LOL!
I'm hurt.  If you follow me on twitter, you know all too well what I am talking about, because I have bitched and moaned quite a bit about this, but other then my twitter friends I haven't really told anyone.  Now don't you feel special if you had the privilege of reading all of my complaints?  Well, you SHOULD!  :P
So what happened?  Well, if you know me and how graceful I am, this will come as a shock (shut up), but I fell.  And when I say I fell, I mean I fell good and hard.  I'm nothing if not an over achiever!!!
Just over 2 weeks ago, I was at the Albertson's grocery store near my work for a quick errand on my lunch.  I walked in, and pretty much immediately hit the floor.  There was a wet spot on the floor, and of course I was lucky enough to be the one to discover it, because I'm just all sorts of awesome like that!!
When I fell, yes, it hurt really bad on the knee that I landed on, but I really just felt stupid for having fallen, so when I looked around and saw that nobody had even noticed, I got up, dusted myself off, and limped about my business.  I was in a hurry, and besides, it was probably nothing, right?  Not to mention the fact that I felt like a total idiot, and being the nonconfrontational, doesn't like to be noticed kinda gal that I am, I didn't want to raise a fuss.
Well, by the time I got back to the office, it looked like this...

Swollen much?  Holy shit it got huge!  Like really swollen like I could not have imagined! 
I elevated it, iced it, etc, but it kept getting worse.  Then I started to worry that something could be broken, but decided to wait and see.
So the day ended, I hobbled to my car and realized I could hardly get in the car because I physically could not bend it.  Shit.  So I got myself home where I tried to go about my business but couldn't.  Then the aleve started to wear off, and what I thought had been hurting terribly became even worse.  I called all of the urgent care's around and they had all closed at 7pm!!!  So Joe and I discussed it and I went to the ER to get it checked because the pain really was unbearable and I was getting worried that I might have broken something. 
Here's how it looked when I was at the ER...

They told me it was not broken (after several painful xrays), called it a contusion and wrapped it, gave me crutches and some strong pain meds and sent me home.  I was told it would probably take 8-10 days to get better and that it shouldn't permanently damage my knee or affect my running.  WHEW!!!
Well here we are, 16 days later, my knee is still very swollen (and hot to the touch), and that bruise?  OMG how it has traveled down my leg as has the pain!!!

 

And even my ankle is now purple and swollen...

So yeah, I'm now feeling pretty stupid for not having reported it the minute it happened.  Especially after having to pay my hospital copay (ouch!).  But honestly, I really didn't expect that it would put me out of commission this long! 

And my running????  WTF?!!!! I have been unable to run!  TBH, I had been slacking a bit this summer on the running.  I have been running, but not the long ones I was doing before summer started.  So I now feel helpless and like I have taken like 20 steps backwards since I can hardly walk, let alone run! 

So the past 16 days I have gone from feeling like it'll be better in no time, to feeling like my leg is never gonna recover, and also feeling like I am getting fatter and fatter and fatter just sitting here with my leg elevated :(

So that is what has been going on in the world of Patty.  Hopefully next time I will have been running and will be ready for my marathon in January!!! (holy shit)

******UPDATE******

I went to the Dr. on Monday.  My subcutaneous prepatellar bursa is inflammed.  So, the injury caused bursitis, which will take time to heal.  I will probably go to another doctor for possible injections and/or other treatment, according to my Doctor.  I had more xrays today as well.  Also, I did contact the store where it happened and they have opened up a claim.  We shall see what happens...

What do you see?

When you look in the mirror, what do you see?  I'll tell you what I see, please comment and tell me what your reflection is...

When I look in the mirror I see Joy.  Happiness.  Pain.  Sadness.  Hope.  Disappointment.  Strength.  Fear.  Resilience.  Weakness.  Experience.  Inadequacy. 

I see a girl, a woman, both young and old.

I see someone who is a disappointment to some, an inspiration to others.

I see someone who is dying to break out of her shell and be the woman she believes she was born to be.

I see someone who will not quit, will not give up.  Failure is not an option.  But, then again, failure is not only an option, but also a shitty reality.  How else do we learn if not for our failures?

I see someone who absolutely loathes her physical reflection, who hides from the camera because someday she will look the way she thinks she should look and THEN she will allow photos. 

When I look in the mirror, my reflection is actually a good 100-200 pounds more then I know that I am.  Will that ever go away, I wonder?  If I ever get my body the way I want it to be, will I actually see and appreciate who I am? 

I see someone who wants to make a difference in this world, but also someone who struggles and sometimes needs a helping hand herself.

I see someone who is fiercely independent, but who also needs to be held up and supported at times.

I see a leader.  No, I can't say I'm really a follower!  Although if I love you, I love you fiercely and will follow you to the edge of the earth, even if you don't want me to, in a non stalkerish (ok *maybe* in a stalkerish) sort of way.

I'm full of love, I love with loyalty, passion, and intensity.

I see a girl with piercings that would make many peoples' jaw drop (ok only 1 tattoo, so that won't count, lol!) 

A crazy and adventurous, yet conservative girl. 

Shy and outgoing all at the same time.

So now tell me, what do you see....

1 month down...

Well, here we are, almost 1 month down in this year!  Who has stuck to their resolutions? LOL!  As you know (or you should!), I didn't have any real "resolutions" this year, but I do believe that this will be the year that I better myself and become the person I am supposed to be.  I can't say that I know yet who that girl is (I know this is getting a little off track, but am I too old to call myself a "girl" anymore?  You know what?  Hell's no, I'll call myself a "girl" until I decide to stop!), but I do know that I have been unhappy with who I have been for a long time.  All around, not one specific thing.  So this year, I am giving myself the attention I deserve, instead of always just ignoring my needs.  Now, that doesn't mean that I am putting myself and my wants, needs, and desires above those of my children, lets not have crazy talk here!  But I have learned how to make time for myself, how not to use my kids, my life, as an excuse for why I can't make time for myself.  I have stayed on my regimen that I mentioned before, I still happily get up every morning ready to face the day at 4:30 am!  I have never ever ever (I could really go on with the ever's, but I think you get the picture, no?) been a morning person, but now I cannot sleep late, I'm ready to get up and work out!  So that has become a total habit, as have the nightly workouts, it feels so fucking good to run farther and farther, and faster and faster each night!!  I won't talk numbers because frankly I was very pissed off at my scale when I got on it yesterday, but I won't let it get me down, instead I will just go back to staying off of the scale and not worry about what that bitch has to say!
I have a long way to go, but hopefully at some point this year, I will be able to look at myself and be happy with the person that I see, knowing that she is taking care of herself and is truly happy.
.....and for the kids....
Of course I have new pictures of them!!!!  We recently went to the snow in Flagstaff and they had a BLAST sledding and playing in the snow!  So behold, the Mc-kiddo's fun snow day.....

Christmas 2010

No more running from the past...

WELCOME 2011!!! I cannot tell you how much of a BITCH 2010 was to me! Was there good to 2010? You betcha! But the majority of it was really just not, so I am one happy chiquita to see it get the hell outta my life!
Do you have any "New Year's Resolutions"? I don't really. Not specifically at least. I don't have the whole "I want to lose weight" (although, really? I always want to do that!), or "I want to start doing _____" sort of list going. What my goals are? Well, I just want to make the most I can of my life. I'm tired of feeling like I am not accomplishing anything, like I am spinning my wheels! And it's not just for the new year, it's something I have been trying to work on for awhile, and I think I am finally in a place where I can believe in myself, my abilities, and I can make any changes that I want to!
For the past month I have completely stepped away from my treadmill. I haven't even gotten on it one time! Instead, I made a habit of getting up every morning and "Shredding" (doing a workout series by Jillian Michaels called "The 30 Day Shred"). I've been really good at getting up at 4:45 and just DOING it! I missed a couple of days, but overall did it for a full month. Did I notice a difference? I sure did! Dropped a couple of sizes (HELLS YEAH!) and pounds, which is ultimately a goal for me, but I also noticed some other changes that I like! I've NEVER been a morning person, and that has been a real problem for working out when I have a full time job, 3 children and often another side job or class going on. I have always known that if I don't get up in the morning and do it, it will not happen because by the end of the day I am completely WIPED out! But in the past? I just couldn't do it. The alarm would go off and I'd decide that maybe tomorrow would be the day? Well, the month of December 2010 I totally blew that problem out of the water! With my new job (have I mentioned how much I LOVE it? Cuz I DO!!!) I don't have to be there at 6:45 like the other place, so I realized I CAN get up and work out first thing! So I just did it! Day after day, and before I knew it, I actually woke up BEFORE the alarm, and I have been eager to get up each day! I KNOW, who the hell has taken over Patty? I don't know how it happened but I am glad it finally has! I'm feeling really good, and that? Is what I want!
So tonight..... I decided to get on that treadmill. Now it's not like that is a daunting task, I actually love that machine and really love to just RUN on it! But, it has been over a month and I have been sick for the past week, so I wasn't sure how good I would do! Well, OMFG, what a difference that month of working out Shredding has done!!! I ran, a really good workout and I found that it was EASY! I felt like I could go on forever, but knew that it was prolly a good idea to not actually KILL myself, so I did a regular workout, but when I was finished I still wanted to do more, so I hopped over to my rowing machine and I rowed. And I rowed and rowed and rowed! I did DOUBLE what I have ever done in one sitting! WHO is this girl?! After absolutely killing that rowing machine, I hopped back on the treadmill! Joe looked up at me from his computer and I laughed and said I'm only gonna walk to bring the heart rate down, but after about 30 seconds of walking I decided I wanted to run again!!!! And so I logged another mile running, just for fun! I finished up and I feel absolutely fantastic! So this new me? I really like this chic!
While I was running, it dawned on me. I think that I have actually changed my outlook, my way of thinking, my attitude! I realized that I am no longer running from anything in my past, but instead I am actually running towards my future. And that's all I want to do, keep moving forward, no matter what obstacles come my way!