Saturday, April 6, 2019

Shattered into a million pieces

I never imagined that life would turn out like this...
Not many people know what has been going on in our lives here in mc-mommyland.  There are a few reasons for this.  For one, It's too overwhelming for me to share.  I don't exactly have friends or any kind of support system outside of my family at home and maybe 1 or 2 other people. I'm not complaining or trying to have a pity party. It just is what it is and I accept that, in reality, nobody really gives a shit.  I stopped sharing most of the personal shit in my life because why should I?  I mean if people really cared, I would know it and feel support and they would know everything going on.  It's actually freeing to realize that in this big old world I am fully aware of who cares, who is just here to see the shit show, and who is just merely an acquaintance. 
The only reason I am even writing this post is that I believe that it might be therapeutic for me.  I haven't decided if I will post it for anyone to read or not.
But enough about me.  Or perhaps this is all about me.  It's for me, to put it all down and see if it somehow helps me to deal with everything, this much I know.
Things have been hard.  Really hard.  But isn't it hard for everyone?  Between Amylia's PANDAS that doesn't ever really let go of its hold on her, AJ's autism that tends to make things and experiences so much different than his schoolmates, and just the daily stresses of life, I feel like it's a neverending rollercoaster, but not the fun kind.  By the way, this year has literally been 5,000,000,000 day's long even though the calendar says it is only April.  I call total bullshit on that.  There is no way there have only been 3 months and a handful of days in 2019.  But I really should get to the point already.  I don't intend to speak of any of what I am about to share. Not because I am a total bitch.  Mind you, I absolutely am, but that is not why.  It is because, for the first time in my life, I cannot keep my emotions in check.  I've never before been like this.  I can't sleep, I can't eat, I can't even remember.... anything.  I mean I can't even remember things like how long it takes me to get to work at a job I have worked at for 8.5 years.  I can't remember how to do some things that are second nature to me.  I can't remember what time to set my alarm for.  So much I cannot remember.  It's like my brain has turned to complete mush.  It has nothing to do with age or hormones or anything like that.  I think it is 100% grief.  It's a kind of grief that I could never have imagined. 
In early February I intercepted some messages on my son's phone.  He had been moody and has almost always only seen the negative in everything, but I assumed it was the autism, becoming a teenager, getting used to middle school, normal things like that.  How wrong I was. 
Before I intercepted these messages, he had found a friend, a really good friend.  He had confided in me that she was bipolar (she's not) and that she used to cut herself.  He felt so honored that she had told him that when she met him, the only thing keeping her from killing herself was him.  But they had a falling out when she rejected him and did not even want to be friends with him any longer.  He tends to focus all of his energy and attention on her, and she wanted nothing to do with him and it hurt him so bad.  But that happens and it is all a part of life, isn't it? 
He got desperate and tried to text her, but he wasn't understanding the social cues of her responses.  He tried to show her that he cut himself.  He stepped it up, saying he can't do anything right, he can't even kill himself right.  Her response?  Absolutely cold-hearted and chilling. She told him he is not autistic.  She said to him "Go right ahead you unruly fuck"  "Go".  He said "I have already started picking my skin so you have no need to encourage. Because I know how bad you want me dead.  My family, my friends, my teachers, everyone"  He said a few more things about not knowing how to kill himself and here are her replies.... "Left and right for attention up and down for results.  If you shave it helps because the blade on the razor is replaceable. Those cut pretty good.  Remove the blade from the razor.  Do you need a tutorial?", He answers "Yes please".  "First you remove the razor part from the handle.  Then".. "Thanks" he replied, but she didn't stop.  "You cut the wires that block the blade.  Then the blade comes out pretty easy.  You also have to remove the back part."  He asks, "What razor do you use?".  She replies "Gillette.  The men ones are cheaper and work better".  He tells her he doesn't have that kind so he is definitely going to have to get that kind.  They say a few more things but the conversation changed to other things and ends.  I was horrified.  Absolutely horrified. 
A lot happened between then and now.  I shared what was discussed with the other mom.  She had no idea that her child had ever spoken to anyone else like this and she was horrified.  I found myself counseling and consoling her(!!!) when I was the one who's son was wanting to die by this girl's instructions.  But I kept it together (IDK HOW!) and did my best to help calm her down and tell her to take some time to think and cool off before she talked to her daughter.  She ended up pulling her daughter from school and homeschooling her.  Not only because of this but also because of another time this year that she got in trouble for talking about death with someone at school and she was struggling at school as well.  I felt like this could be a positive thing because seeing her at school was so hard for him after I had said he cannot be friends with her anymore because it was a toxic friendship...   He had begun pulling away from his friends because they were also friends with her.  So with her out of the picture things had to turn around for him, right????  WRONG.  He went into a downward spiral and started cutting at school!  He texted me from school to come and get him because he cut himself!  I picked him up and thus began our journey to where he is now. 
A mental health facility.  After an emergency visit to his psychiatrist, who then sent him directly for a psych eval at the hospital, who released him only for him to fall even deeper into depression.  Counseling sessions and  change in meds did nothing to help.  The prospect of intensive outpatient therapy made it even worse.  Then came Saturday night.  I found him on his (DAMN) phone when he wasn't supposed to be on that (DAMN!) app, discord, that he thinks he can hide messages in.  I took it from his room and I knew I needed to check it.  I just knew I had to check.  There it was, he found THAT GIRL on that (DAMN!) app discord.  But the worse part wasn't that he found her, but rather what he talked about with her.  He said the words that made us KNOW we had to actually admit him to a hospital.  "You know how I said I was going to kill myself next Friday?  I meant it.  I already know the exact date and the exact time".  I forced myself to stay up all night because I was worried he would come out to get his phone and talk to her more.  Or worse try to do it sooner now.  The next day we had him admitted to try and get him help and keep him alive.  He admitted that it was true, he planned on killing himself. 
It was the hardest thing I could even imagine doing in my craziest dreams.  I don't know how I have even managed to maintain some sense of normalcy (Ok, only at work can I step out of my life and into my work persona of someone who is composed, professional, and in charge... except this time it's harder.)  I keep it together when I am with a patient.  But sit through a meeting, work on my computer or anything else where I don't have to be my work persona,, and I will just lose it.  I can sometimes fight back the tears, other times I cannot.  Driving and at home I am sometimes hysterical, emotional, crying mess.  I'm hopeful I can get my boy back, and terrified that this may be our new normal until the time comes that we can't save him. 
I don't know when he will be coming home.  I'm not ok.  We're not ok.  I, personally have never been this fragile.  This... broken. 
Don't be upset that I didn't tell you.  It's just something I couldn't do.  I cannot speak of it.  Not yet.  Not on command.  I breakdown.  I can't speak.  Literally
I never imagined that life would turn out like this...

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