Saturday, May 13, 2017

I.... blinked....

I've always said "don't blink" to new parents because I was fully aware of how fast childhood flies by.  Yet, here I am wondering where it went.  How did I get to this point in time where my oldest is graduating high school in just a couple of weeks?
Did I cherish the moments of her childhood?  You bet your ass I did.  Do I feel like somehow I missed it all?  I do.  Life.  It's a roller-coaster and although I was a very present and involved mother, I do feel like I blinked and POOF here we are!!!

It is a strange amalgamation of emotions that has hit me like a ton of bricks that I never expected to feel.  It's nearly inexplicable tbh.  It's not sadness, although there have been and will be more tears to fall from my eyes.  I feel happiness, pride, and I don't know what else, but I feel it!  In my world, I didn't expect graduation to be *that* big of a deal.  I mean, yes it is exciting and all that, but it isn't a negotiable thing in my life for my kids.  It's expected and not (again this is in my world) to be this "wow she made it!" sort of a thing because... of course she made it!  I mean, why WOULDN'T she?  Her father is a teacher.  Both of us have higher education (and the debt to prove it!) and seriously high school graduation is not optional.  But then, I guess, things change and you witness things that happen in the world  Children that are taken from the world too soon  So much can happen before this milestone to take it away from a family, that suddenly I DO find great significance in it.  Suddenly I DO feel the need to celebrate,  It IS a milestone and it shouldn't be taken for granted!  And it has me feeling... ALL.  OF.  THE.  FEELS.

So the beginning of the end of high school was last weekend.  Her Senior Showcase in the drama department.  She performed a song that was beautiful.  No microphone.  Just her singing to the track.  And I expected to cry.  I did not.  Don't be impressed.  It's really because this emotion came over me and my chest tightened up, my abs (What?! There are abs in there???!!!) got tight, and I realized that I could not breathe.  Thank god I didn't pass out, that may have embarrassed her more than me tagging her in my facebook post with the link to this youTube video where her friends found her performances back to the 4th grade and they said "OMG I LOVE baby Ashlynn singing!" :) and with that, I present Ashlynn Singing "What I did for Love"...

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