Sunday, August 23, 2015

I. Survived.

I know, shock right?  It was is rough.... and holy expensive and painful and life altering fall batman!  But I survived.
Still not running, the surgeon told me I may find that my knee cannot tolerate running anymore.  He said my body will tell me.  I'm beyond saddened over this, but also determined to prove him wrong.
It's been 4 months since the surgery.... I wonder if I will ever physically feel the same?
I guess only time will tell.
I have so much to tell you. You really have missed so much.
But you will have to stay tuned and come back to find out more....

Tuesday, March 31, 2015


Well, it's scheduled. Surgery. And now I have a month to freak the fuck out. Yes, I tend to be a glass half full kind of girl in almost everything in life. But this sort of thing? Not so much. 
I get that surgeries are routine and all of that, and of course there are still risks involved, as with any surgery there are risks. But having known someone that died from complications of anesthesia, I know that those risks are very real. And it scares me. I'm not terrified of death per se, but more terrified of leaving my children without a mother. Terrified of not waking up and seeing my babies grow up. Yes, I know its a quite morbid view of a pretty routine surgery, but I can't help it. 
But truly if you think about it, tomorrow is promised to no one. I could die before the sun rises, but I'm not scared to fall asleep tonight. So why does this surgery cause me such fear?  I dunno....
But I do look forward to the day I'm healed. When I don't feel so helpless. When I'm not in so much pain that I can sleep at night.  When I can RUN again. God I do miss that. 
You know how kids are almost fearless? They tend to think they are invincible and will not be hurt. I personally have never felt the sense of fragility that I now feel. I wonder if that will ever go away?  Will I forever now be cautious and fear my body will fail me and I could suffer an injury over something as silly as a wet floor?  Who have I turned into?  
I just wanna be me again. 

Saturday, March 14, 2015

Love song...

However far away
I will always love you
However long I stay
I will always love you
Whatever words I say
I will always love you
I will always love you

Wednesday, February 11, 2015

Wait, what????

So........ Remember last time I blogged I said I was ready for what the year had for me?  Can I take that back???!! It's mid February and it appears this year is really gonna blow. Chunks. For realses. 
Not that I dismiss or am ungrateful for all of the good that is in my life. And there's plenty of good. I need only gaze upon my children and I know I'm incredibly blessed. So don't get me wrong, things could always be worse and I always try to see the good in any situation. But my situation? Sucks donkey dick. Yes I did just say that. 
In a sad turn of events, Nana died in January. She was just shy of 94 years old. Days shy actually. So it wasn't out of the blue as she lived a long wonderful life, but it was sad and it kind of feels like the end of a Harry Potter, where Hermoine says "everything is going to change now, isn't it?"  Because she was the matriarch of the family. Tats had died a few years back and now Nana is gone. :(
So we had to go out of the state for the funeral. And as it all started coming together it was clear that I was going to have to not run a half marathon that I register for almost a year in advance. The rock and roll half marathon. I had trained for it and was ready to run it. Would be my 4th half marathon. But couldn't do it because of the timing of the funeral. That was hard for me. It shouldn't have been. But it was. But I knew what I had to do so I accepted that I trained for a race, paid for it and I would not be able to run. This has happened to me once before. When my car was totaled 3 days before a marathon I was supposed to run. Wtf‽ seems I'm out of another race. Fine. It is what it is. So I research and decide there's another half marathon I can register for in March. So off to the funeral we go....
Wait, no. AJ comes down with the flu days before we are to go. Put him on tamiflu (HOLY CRAP $160 for the prescription!!!! That's with insurance!!) and quarantine him and hope nobody else gets it! 
Aaaand then Ashlynn and Amylia get it. Good god can we catch a break???? Thursday comes, we are supposed to drive to Cali... I get the flu! I try to refuse to admit it because clearly this will go away if I deny it, right? RIGHT‽ Joe says we should just go tomorrow and let me sleep but I refuse, because I can't imagine the kids riding in the car all day and going straight to a funeral. So let's just go. We can rest at the hotel and be ready tomorrow (had masks for all in case we weren't better cuz I don't wanna get anyone sick!). We load up the car and I'm in the car when I realize I need to barf. NOW! I hop out and in my driveway let loose. When I'm finished, teary eyed and deflated I look at joe and say he's right and I'm going to bed.  The kids were already buckled even. Lol!
Ok Friday. I wake up all better (NO SHIT!) so we go to Cali. Check in at the hotel (lost the money for the night before as we had reservations but whatever.) It had felt like the fates were trying to keep me from going to the funeral and dammit I got there. Whew! Oh shit, in my flu ridden packing frenzy I forgot shirts for me! Seriously‽ so now we gotta hurry, have Ash get the littles showered while Joe and I go to a store for the things I forgot! Hurry hurry!!!!!
If you've gotten this far, I've saved the best (smh) for last....
We get back to the hotel and I'm gonna shower before Joe. The floor is SOAKED! Good god my littles are messy. Hop in to realize I need a washcloth... Slowly and carefully go to step out and it happens. I fall. When I do something, if u don't know me u don't know this, I really DO it. I knew it was bad as I have a high pain threshold and I couldn't stop sobbing and screaming in pain. I can't get up. My leg feels like something I've never felt before..... 
I couldn't walk but was not going to miss Nanas funeral. Went to the viewing and rosary that night, funeral next day and then drove home. The pain was unbearable. But I pushed through. And now I have a cute cane with roses all over it and a snazzy knee brace. Oh and an MRI later I'm told it will take me a year to heal. At least. Oh I'll need surgery. I completely tore my ACL, partially tore my MCL, and tore my meniscus. Go big or go home baby!  Running? Out. Standing or walking or ANYTHING? Out. So now I am thrust into a world of constant pain, no sleep and seriously depressed. God damn I'm so not graceful....
So how is your year going? :)

Wednesday, December 31, 2014

Another New Year....

Are you ready for what your future holds? I am....

Sunday, August 17, 2014

Unconditional love... It's hard

How do you love someone that pushes you away at every turn? 

When it's just anyone, even a spouse, I think at some point you cut your losses and close a door. But when it's your son? You love harder. And how hard that can be at times....
This week has been an especially trying week. School started, and I knew his anxiety would be high. It had been hard a week or two prior when his dad was out of town for work. And my sweet little aspie doesn't hold it together so well when he's feeling that pressure. The week his dad was gone was rough. He took it out on me and was angry, as though it was my fault. I expected that and did what I could to assure him things would be back to normal soon. But the back to school stuff? I didn't think it would be so hard. And I had hoped that with the meds he's on now, he would handle it better. It left me an emotional wreck after he did his best to express his anger and hatred for me. 
It's exceptionally hard for me  because my childhood wasn't the happiest. It was filled with verbal abuse and I actually did fear for my safety. I was well behaved because I didn't think, I *knew* I would get the shit beat out of me if I pissed her off. I did my best to stay under the radar and I did a damned good job of it. So to become a parent myself, I made sure not to follow in the footsteps I had been forced to follow as a child. I have raised my children with love and security. I want them to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that they have my love and support, no matter what. And they do, I believe. I think I am a very involved mother and love my children unconditionally. 
But then I have this sweet AJ. I think he truly believes he has a rough life. I don't think its a kid being dramatic. I can see it in his eyes. He truly thinks I am mean and horrible and his life is terrible. And it tears my heart out. His feelings, irrational as they are, are real. And how do I teach him that his life? It's not bad. That his mom? Isn't a bad one at all? When he treats me like he does (yes I'll tell you about that in a minute), there's different reactions in my head. The human in me wants to say "you think I'm mean‽ I'll SHOW you mean!!"(but that isn't in me, so I would and could never). The girl who avoided confrontation and anger wants to run away and hide (but I'm also a mom to two other children who need me and would suffer in my absence, so the urge to withdraw isn't as strong as my will to be the mom I know I am). But really, what the hell am I supposed to do when I'm shit on again and again? 
His meltdowns have dramatically gone down to virtually none since he started on meds for his anxiety, but now he handles it in a more calculated way. And this scares me. I'm very concerned that his anger and what feels like true hatred for me will manifest into god knows what as he gets older. What will his actions manifest into?
I get that his ODD (oppositional defiance disorder) affects how he treats me. And that he treats me the worst. I get that if he considers someone an expert he respects them. And this is why, even when he's angry with his father, he does what he's told and is respectful to him. He's a teacher. Therefore he's an expert. But me? I clearly know nothing. He won't believe things I say unless he runs it by his dad. Wtf? It's getting old but I deal with it and his dad backs me up. But this past week, he has told me he wishes his dad had met another woman and that I had never been his mom. He's not just saying words. He means it. He has told me he hates me. I'm mean. (Again, not in the way an NT kid might say it as they grow up, I can see in the look on his face that he's not trying to hurt me, he's being real and blunt and true to how he feels, and this is why it is so upsetting!). He set up booby traps in his room when he went to bed with a note that was hanging from it. "I hate you mom". Ouch. That hurt.  Bad. 

So that was my week. How was yours?

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