Sunday, May 18, 2014

Stumbling around lost

That's the best way I can describe this past, what, almost year? I'm just lost. That's all I can say. I'm searching for my answer...... Never to find it methinks.
Or maybe that's how it's always supposed to be for me?  Always getting close enough and then the rug gets pulled from under me? Anyways just ignore my babbling. I can't turn off or stop how I feel. IFMU. I can try to ignore that I'm stumbling around, but stumble I do.  They say time heals all wounds, I don't think I believe that. Because every day that passes?  The pain doesn't let up. Not for even a day.  *just keep swimming*......

Sunday, November 24, 2013

It's official

My son is autistic. Official diagnosis: Autism Spectrum Disorder, ASD.

I've suspected as much since he was a baby, but only left it at the thought in the back of my mind. Always there. Always nagging at me. Sure I asked the pediatrician a few times but was always told things like "it sounds like he needs a snack, when blood sugar level drops children can have difficulty dealing with things and can throw fits". But the fits he has always thrown are unlike any I've witnessed from other children. His anxiety and distress is severe and there is no off switch. No carrot to dangle, no punishment to threaten will prevent a meltdown. Once triggered, a meltdown can go for hours and will only stop when he's ready. The parroting, the tics to soothe himself, so many behaviors that are not seen in a neurotypical child have always been there. As the days, months, and years have passed, they are always there. He's going to be 8 in just over a week, and over the years I had hoped, knowing it wasn't going to happen but hoping nonetheless, that he would "outgrow" the things that make that voice scream at me that there is something wrong.
So I turned to the internet. To my friends on twitter. To anywhere I could find some information and it became apparent that AJ had all the characteristics of Aspergers. A few twitter friends with experience in ASD encouraged me to get him assessed. They helped me to realize that his behaviors were because of the ASD. First I went to my insurance website and found a child psychiatrist who specialized in ASD. That was a waste. The guy did no assessment. He dropped a file and asked AJ for it, when he picked it up as directed the Dr said "thank you", and because AJ has learned good manners and said quietly "you're welcome" the Dr surmised that AJ has ADHD and not ASD. Wait, what‽ So according to this guy, spending 30 seconds with my son is long enough to diagnose anything‽ Um, no. But I did feel defeated. As though I had nowhere else to turn. But again my friends encouraged me to not give up. So I didn't. I remembered a patient at work whose mother works in the schools with autistic kids to be sure they are getting the assistance they deserve. I talked to her and she gave me the name of the Dr who would help us. AJ was finally given a proper assessment as well as being observed at school by this Dr, who gave us the diagnosis.
The funny thing? My emotional reaction to it. If the report came back saying he wasn't on the spectrum, I know I would have said "BULLSHIT!" But to see it in writing? The diagnosis that I have always really known? It was still hard to swallow. It changes nothing in terms of how I feel about my son. And I wouldn't change him for the world. I know him. I know he is a loving, caring boy. Others may see him as unfeeling, unempathetic, and even spoiled. But I know him and couldn't love him any more.
So now I feel a bit overwhelmed. There's a lot to take in. To learn. To do. But at least now we have something to go on. The ball is rolling and now we have a chance to help him grow up and get him the help he needs to be successful in school. We have answers as to why he does the things he does. I'm more understanding when a meltdown happens and there's less yelling (from me) as it won't help and doesn't make anybody feel better.
He knows he is different. He confided in me that the kids at school think he is "weird". I haven't told him anything about ASD or that he has it. I am hoping to get guidance from a support group as to how and when to teach him about it. I'm not embarrassed about it and he shouldn't be either, so when the time is right and I know how to, I will explain it to him.


Saturday, April 14, 2012

Yet again I have been slacking....

It seems I am constantly asking myself where the time has gone....
But there's nothing I can do but keep moving forward and try to keep up, or at least fake it a little better!

So what to tell you about.....
YES, I DID run the 1/2 marathon on January 15th!!!  See?!!
This was when I was almost finished, got a huge burst of energy when I saw my family there!  Almost done!!!

Right after finishing!!!  Surprisingly, I felt really good!

Anyways, the run was amazing and I can't wait to run many more, and do the whole marathon like I had planned!  But TBH, I know that a whole would have been entirely too much for a very first race ever!

What else....
Well we got to experience the first of our children taking the scissors to her hair!  Yep, I'm so not kidding....
See the loverly bangs she made???  Actually they didn't turn out that bad, but very short and, well I decided it was time for a change after she did this...... sooooo......

Now she has a little pixie cut:) 
Yes Amylia is growing a ton.... until I compare her to other kids her age and then I am reminded what a little sweet pea she is!  Crossing fingers she can brake the 30 pound mark for her 5th Birthday....

AJ?  Well he is never without excitement.....
In February, he really gave us a scare.  He came down with some strep infection that was a complication of Chicken Pox, he then gave me and Ashlynn Strep... and then to top it off, a complication arose from his infection.... he came down with vasculitis.  His legs got what looked like a rash on them, they were visibly swollen, and it started rising up his legs.  To top it off he was suddenly in so much pain that he couldn't walk.  I ended up taking him to Urgent Care to be told that it was vasculitis and that there was nothing that we could do and he could possibly be unable to walk for a month.  HOLY SHIT I totally had trouble coping with this and might have totally freaked out, er I mean I handled it so well (ok fine, I freaked out!).  It was scary as hell.... but luckily it only lasted a couple of days, and he was back to himself in no time! WHEW!!!  And here he is on Easter playing soccer with his cousin...

And finally, Ashlynn...
What can I say about this beautiful girl that amazes me every day?!  This girl is growing up too fast!!!
She is enjoying 7th grade and also butting heads with me.... *sigh*

And there we have it......
and hopefully I will be a good girl and blog a little more often...(I make no promises, but really how many of ya really care??? lol!! I kid, and I DO love all of you that are reading this, pinkie promise!)


Saturday, January 7, 2012

Sense and sensibility

No, not like the Jane Austen story, but like the kind that I don't exercise nearly as often as I should.  As in, all to often I haz none of that there sense and sensibility, so I'm making an effort here to use some... this time at least!
So I told y'all awhile back that I was registered to run the marathon that is scheduled for next week.  I have been training (outside of my injury that took me out for almost 3 months!!), but it has been hanging over my head if I would be able to get the miles in that I need to do in order to be ready for the marathon.  I simply have not been able to log the miles.  I'm just not where I should be. 
So the time came to decide if I should reconsider racing in the marathon.  I have no doubt that I could do it, finish it, but I know at this point that the amount of walking that would take place is just so much more than I had imagined and that is a serious disappointment.  I have not stopped my training, and am not quitting, but I know that it is not wise to think that I am ready for a marathon. 
To be honest, it was going to be my first race ever.  I haven't been a runner for that long, and when I set my goal for the marathon, I really felt that it was an achievable goal.  Then I fell and hurt my knee.  I wanted to run so bad.  And I just....couldn't.  This sucked so incredibly badly.  But I healed and I still had time to train if I really pushed myself.  Or maybe I was delusional.
I have this habit of doing this sort of thing to myself.  I set goals that are a bit high.  Not that it is a bad thing to set high goals.  This is why I do it.  I aim high.  Go big or go home, dammit! Yeah, there is a history for me of setting goals that I am not able to reach.  My husband knows this about me.  I'm sure he expected it all along really, and I don't mean that in a bad way.  he just knows me well.  He knows I have big dreams and am too stubborn to realize when setting my goals that maybe I should start small.  Its true.  I mean, who decides they want to be a runner (with no real athletic history other than watching sports on television) and sets their first race goal of running a marathon?  Patty does, that's who.
After discussing my running history and training progress with my running friends and my husband, I have decided that the smart thing for me to do would be to set a more realistic and attainable goal of running the 1/2 marathon instead of the whole marathon.  I would be lying if I said that a small part of me is not completely disappointed in myself for having to change this goal.  But I'm just doing my best to ignore that bitch (inside of me) and focus on the fact that I should be proud that I am running, that I will run a 1/2 marathon.  This is a pretty big accomplishment for me, I need to remember this.
Next week, on January 15th, I will run my very first race, the PF Chang's Rock and Roll 1/2 marathon in Tempe Arizona.  I'm not concerned with the time it takes me.  The run is definitely something I can do, and I will have a first official race under my belt.  The first of many....

Saturday, October 1, 2011

I think I can?

Here we are, October already.  I guess some of you call it "Fall"?  I don't know anything about that... I live in Hell, remember?  So, yeah, here in Arizona there is no such thing as "Fall". 
I guess I can't complain, it is cooling down a little.  Hell, it's only 89 degrees right now! (of course it *is* 8:00 pm, lol!)  But anyways, it is cool enough now that I can run outside in the mornings (on the weekend for my longer runs), and it is such a nice change!
I don't really have too much to say.  Been pretty "blah" lately.  Was sick for about a week, still actually getting over it, and just feeling down and discontent with too many aspects of my life.  It's not really like me, I'm always a positive person, and I know this will pass and miss "glass half full" will be back in no time because I'm really not one to dwell on the negatives.  If I did I think it would consume me and I would be in a very dark place.   I always used to believe that if I work hard enough I can reach any goals I set for myself, but lately I am acutely aware that maybe some dreams are just meant to be that... dreams.
But tomorrow I will lace up my shoes, get out the door nice and early and run my sadness away.  I expect there to be a bit of pain, I haven't run since my 6 mile run last Saturday, but for some strange reason I am looking forward to it.  I find when I run it's very calming for me.  The sense of accomplishment when I am done and the goal I am working towards brings me happiness that I *CAN* do this.  And if I can do this running thing, I know I can do anything. 

Monday, September 5, 2011

What's new?

Well here we are, more time has passed, everything has changed yet stayed the same all at once.  So what's been going on with you?  Me?  Well.....
The kids started school almost a month ago.  My little baby boy is in Kindergarten!!!  How the hell did that happen?????  And don't even get me started on my girl, started 7th grade!  JUNIOR HIGH!!!  And yes, because this is how my mind works.... Holy shit Mia is gonna start Kindergarten NEXT YEAR!!!  Don't get me wrong, the idea of not paying as much for daycare as we have been paying sounds like all colors of amazing, but I'm just sooooo not ready for all of this!!!  They are my BABIES! 
But, as time does, it just keeps on marching along, whether or not I am ready for it...

Ashlynn and AJ on the first day of School
... And of course Mia had to join in!!
So one would think I would have been a mess?  I sure as hell thought I would be and I just KNEW there would be tears on my part.... but there weren't!  Somehow (only God knows how really), I mustered up the strength to stay composed and I didn't even shed one single tear!  To be honest, I *almost* started flowing tears when the teacher read "The Kissing Hand" to the class.  So that is when I made my exit from the classroom, LOL!
So the kids are loving school and it's all good and all that crap.  Oh yeah, and me.. I'm in school as well.  Stupid fucking class that I will conquer (this time) or it will conquer me.  There is no in between.  I will either do this shit, or I will die trying.  Literally.  *sigh*  No I am doing ok in it, but I'm terrified to get cocky and think I'm on top of it....So I'm not going to speak of stupid class again until it is over....
My injury from my fall at the grocery store?  It's not totally healed yet.  It is finally starting to heal, but believe it or not, the ankle and knee are still swollen and the spectra of colors is still present.  Lets be honest here, it ain't pretty.  Not that my legs ever were... But now?  Not pretty.
And running?  Still not a possibility, which is absolutely killing me.  For reals.  And who would think I would miss the little things, like seriously when on earth will I ever be able to go down on my knees for anything again?  OMG, now don't go all pervy on my, sheesh, I don't mean anything like that! (or do I? LOL!)  I mean, take for instance, when I go to get a folder at work or turn on a certain computer, I used to be able to just get on my knees and do it, but not anymore.  Oh, wait, I didn't need to explain myself?  Your mind didn't go there?  Oh my.  *awkward*..
Well, still dealing with the Albertson's claim as well.  Now they are telling me that they could not find the fall on tape... very interesting as I told them the time it happened (within 20 minutes) and where it happened at.  And to check it, I went into the store and looked at the area where I fell.  Wow, 3 cameras within very close proximity of where I fell, and then a total of 5 or 6 that I could see from the area where I fell.  So I emailed them a picture of exactly where my knee hit the ground so that they can review the tapes again.  And now I wait and see...
And there you have it my friends!  My life, in a nutshell... for today at least!  Well, there *is* more that I could talk about, but I'm not gonna today, cuz that's just how I roll....

Sunday, August 21, 2011


I haven't blogged in a long time.  Apparently it is more of the norm and not the exception for my blogging habits.  But then I think about it, and really it's not like this is a highly read blog.  Looking at how often people comment on my blog, I sometimes wonder if I should just shut this thing down because it's not like it's really anything but pieces of me that I decide to share.  But then again, it IS pieces of me; and if people want to read and comment then AWESOME, and if they don't, then oh well.
I do wonder often who is looking at my blog.  This is one reason I love comments.  I remember each of the people that comment, and it lets me know that they care, or that they are nosey (LOL, I'm KIDDING!!!)!  I can see when my blog is visited and where from.  Often I can see the location and know who it was, and it makes my heart a little happy.  And then there are others.  Like, take for instance, the person that regularly visits from Russia.  OH how I wonder who it is!  Just comment already?!!!  It's-a-makin-me-crazy!  LOL!
Ok, so now for what I came here to write before I went off on a tangent!  LOL!
I'm hurt.  If you follow me on twitter, you know all too well what I am talking about, because I have bitched and moaned quite a bit about this, but other then my twitter friends I haven't really told anyone.  Now don't you feel special if you had the privilege of reading all of my complaints?  Well, you SHOULD!  :P
So what happened?  Well, if you know me and how graceful I am, this will come as a shock (shut up), but I fell.  And when I say I fell, I mean I fell good and hard.  I'm nothing if not an over achiever!!!
Just over 2 weeks ago, I was at the Albertson's grocery store near my work for a quick errand on my lunch.  I walked in, and pretty much immediately hit the floor.  There was a wet spot on the floor, and of course I was lucky enough to be the one to discover it, because I'm just all sorts of awesome like that!!
When I fell, yes, it hurt really bad on the knee that I landed on, but I really just felt stupid for having fallen, so when I looked around and saw that nobody had even noticed, I got up, dusted myself off, and limped about my business.  I was in a hurry, and besides, it was probably nothing, right?  Not to mention the fact that I felt like a total idiot, and being the nonconfrontational, doesn't like to be noticed kinda gal that I am, I didn't want to raise a fuss.
Well, by the time I got back to the office, it looked like this...
Swollen much?  Holy shit it got huge!  Like really swollen like I could not have imagined! 
I elevated it, iced it, etc, but it kept getting worse.  Then I started to worry that something could be broken, but decided to wait and see.
So the day ended, I hobbled to my car and realized I could hardly get in the car because I physically could not bend it.  Shit.  So I got myself home where I tried to go about my business but couldn't.  Then the aleve started to wear off, and what I thought had been hurting terribly became even worse.  I called all of the urgent care's around and they had all closed at 7pm!!!  So Joe and I discussed it and I went to the ER to get it checked because the pain really was unbearable and I was getting worried that I might have broken something. 
Here's how it looked when I was at the ER...

They told me it was not broken (after several painful xrays), called it a contusion and wrapped it, gave me crutches and some strong pain meds and sent me home.  I was told it would probably take 8-10 days to get better and that it shouldn't permanently damage my knee or affect my running.  WHEW!!!
Well here we are, 16 days later, my knee is still very swollen (and hot to the touch), and that bruise?  OMG how it has traveled down my leg as has the pain!!!

And even my ankle is now purple and swollen...
So yeah, I'm now feeling pretty stupid for not having reported it the minute it happened.  Especially after having to pay my hospital copay (ouch!).  But honestly, I really didn't expect that it would put me out of commission this long! 
And my running????  WTF?!!!! I have been unable to run!  TBH, I had been slacking a bit this summer on the running.  I have been running, but not the long ones I was doing before summer started.  So I now feel helpless and like I have taken like 20 steps backwards since I can hardly walk, let alone run! 
So the past 16 days I have gone from feeling like it'll be better in no time, to feeling like my leg is never gonna recover, and also feeling like I am getting fatter and fatter and fatter just sitting here with my leg elevated :(
So that is what has been going on in the world of Patty.  Hopefully next time I will have been running and will be ready for my marathon in January!!! (holy shit)
I went to the Dr. on Monday.  My subcutaneous prepatellar bursa is inflammed.  So, the injury caused bursitis, which will take time to heal.  I will probably go to another doctor for possible injections and/or other treatment, according to my Doctor.  I had more xrays today as well.  Also, I did contact the store where it happened and they have opened up a claim.  We shall see what happens...

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