Sunday, August 17, 2014

Unconditional love... It's hard

How do you love someone that pushes you away at every turn? 

When it's just anyone, even a spouse, I think at some point you cut your losses and close a door. But when it's your son? You love harder. And how hard that can be at times....
This week has been an especially trying week. School started, and I knew his anxiety would be high. It had been hard a week or two prior when his dad was out of town for work. And my sweet little aspie doesn't hold it together so well when he's feeling that pressure. The week his dad was gone was rough. He took it out on me and was angry, as though it was my fault. I expected that and did what I could to assure him things would be back to normal soon. But the back to school stuff? I didn't think it would be so hard. And I had hoped that with the meds he's on now, he would handle it better. It left me an emotional wreck after he did his best to express his anger and hatred for me. 
It's exceptionally hard for me  because my childhood wasn't the happiest. It was filled with verbal abuse and I actually did fear for my safety. I was well behaved because I didn't think, I *knew* I would get the shit beat out of me if I pissed her off. I did my best to stay under the radar and I did a damned good job of it. So to become a parent myself, I made sure not to follow in the footsteps I had been forced to follow as a child. I have raised my children with love and security. I want them to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that they have my love and support, no matter what. And they do, I believe. I think I am a very involved mother and love my children unconditionally. 
But then I have this sweet AJ. I think he truly believes he has a rough life. I don't think its a kid being dramatic. I can see it in his eyes. He truly thinks I am mean and horrible and his life is terrible. And it tears my heart out. His feelings, irrational as they are, are real. And how do I teach him that his life? It's not bad. That his mom? Isn't a bad one at all? When he treats me like he does (yes I'll tell you about that in a minute), there's different reactions in my head. The human in me wants to say "you think I'm mean‽ I'll SHOW you mean!!"(but that isn't in me, so I would and could never). The girl who avoided confrontation and anger wants to run away and hide (but I'm also a mom to two other children who need me and would suffer in my absence, so the urge to withdraw isn't as strong as my will to be the mom I know I am). But really, what the hell am I supposed to do when I'm shit on again and again? 
His meltdowns have dramatically gone down to virtually none since he started on meds for his anxiety, but now he handles it in a more calculated way. And this scares me. I'm very concerned that his anger and what feels like true hatred for me will manifest into god knows what as he gets older. What will his actions manifest into?
I get that his ODD (oppositional defiance disorder) affects how he treats me. And that he treats me the worst. I get that if he considers someone an expert he respects them. And this is why, even when he's angry with his father, he does what he's told and is respectful to him. He's a teacher. Therefore he's an expert. But me? I clearly know nothing. He won't believe things I say unless he runs it by his dad. Wtf? It's getting old but I deal with it and his dad backs me up. But this past week, he has told me he wishes his dad had met another woman and that I had never been his mom. He's not just saying words. He means it. He has told me he hates me. I'm mean. (Again, not in the way an NT kid might say it as they grow up, I can see in the look on his face that he's not trying to hurt me, he's being real and blunt and true to how he feels, and this is why it is so upsetting!). He set up booby traps in his room when he went to bed with a note that was hanging from it. "I hate you mom". Ouch. That hurt.  Bad. 

So that was my week. How was yours?

Wednesday, May 28, 2014

Pull up a chair

Well, hello again. Nice of you to joIn me here, pull up a chair and stay For awhile? Glad u stopped by, I've Missed yoU hard, like seriously yo. Its nIce to See That you have popped In, gives me some sense of faLse hope that in this big old worLd maybe just maybe I'm special? Nah prolly just curiosity but hey I'll take whatever attention I can get right?  Don't worry, I won't telL anyOne you're here, secret is safe with me B)   Anyways I'm always right here., eVEn when I'm quiet, I'm here. Just for shits and giggles feel free to say hi. I know u won't, who am I kidding? I know, I know, you gotta go. And who knows if yoU will come back? I can always hope, right? There always a chair right here....

Sunday, May 18, 2014

Stumbling around lost

That's the best way I can describe this past, what, almost year? I'm just lost. That's all I can say. I'm searching for my answer...... Never to find it methinks.
Or maybe that's how it's always supposed to be for me?  Always getting close enough and then the rug gets pulled from under me? Anyways just ignore my babbling. I can't turn off or stop how I feel. IFMU. I can try to ignore that I'm stumbling around, but stumble I do.  They say time heals all wounds, I don't think I believe that. Because every day that passes?  The pain doesn't let up. Not for even a day.  *just keep swimming*......

Sunday, November 24, 2013

It's official


My son is autistic. Official diagnosis: Autism Spectrum Disorder, ASD.






I've suspected as much since he was a baby, but only left it at the thought in the back of my mind. Always there. Always nagging at me. Sure I asked the pediatrician a few times but was always told things like "it sounds like he needs a snack, when blood sugar level drops children can have difficulty dealing with things and can throw fits". But the fits he has always thrown are unlike any I've witnessed from other children. His anxiety and distress is severe and there is no off switch. No carrot to dangle, no punishment to threaten will prevent a meltdown. Once triggered, a meltdown can go for hours and will only stop when he's ready. The parroting, the tics to soothe himself, so many behaviors that are not seen in a neurotypical child have always been there. As the days, months, and years have passed, they are always there. He's going to be 8 in just over a week, and over the years I had hoped, knowing it wasn't going to happen but hoping nonetheless, that he would "outgrow" the things that make that voice scream at me that there is something wrong.
So I turned to the internet. To my friends on twitter. To anywhere I could find some information and it became apparent that AJ had all the characteristics of Aspergers. A few twitter friends with experience in ASD encouraged me to get him assessed. They helped me to realize that his behaviors were because of the ASD. First I went to my insurance website and found a child psychiatrist who specialized in ASD. That was a waste. The guy did no assessment. He dropped a file and asked AJ for it, when he picked it up as directed the Dr said "thank you", and because AJ has learned good manners and said quietly "you're welcome" the Dr surmised that AJ has ADHD and not ASD. Wait, what‽ So according to this guy, spending 30 seconds with my son is long enough to diagnose anything‽ Um, no. But I did feel defeated. As though I had nowhere else to turn. But again my friends encouraged me to not give up. So I didn't. I remembered a patient at work whose mother works in the schools with autistic kids to be sure they are getting the assistance they deserve. I talked to her and she gave me the name of the Dr who would help us. AJ was finally given a proper assessment as well as being observed at school by this Dr, who gave us the diagnosis.
The funny thing? My emotional reaction to it. If the report came back saying he wasn't on the spectrum, I know I would have said "BULLSHIT!" But to see it in writing? The diagnosis that I have always really known? It was still hard to swallow. It changes nothing in terms of how I feel about my son. And I wouldn't change him for the world. I know him. I know he is a loving, caring boy. Others may see him as unfeeling, unempathetic, and even spoiled. But I know him and couldn't love him any more.
                                              
 
 
So now I feel a bit overwhelmed. There's a lot to take in. To learn. To do. But at least now we have something to go on. The ball is rolling and now we have a chance to help him grow up and get him the help he needs to be successful in school. We have answers as to why he does the things he does. I'm more understanding when a meltdown happens and there's less yelling (from me) as it won't help and doesn't make anybody feel better.
He knows he is different. He confided in me that the kids at school think he is "weird". I haven't told him anything about ASD or that he has it. I am hoping to get guidance from a support group as to how and when to teach him about it. I'm not embarrassed about it and he shouldn't be either, so when the time is right and I know how to, I will explain it to him.

 

Saturday, April 14, 2012

Yet again I have been slacking....

It seems I am constantly asking myself where the time has gone....
constantly.
But there's nothing I can do but keep moving forward and try to keep up, or at least fake it a little better!

So what to tell you about.....
YES, I DID run the 1/2 marathon on January 15th!!!  See?!!
This was when I was almost finished, got a huge burst of energy when I saw my family there!  Almost done!!!

Right after finishing!!!  Surprisingly, I felt really good!




Anyways, the run was amazing and I can't wait to run many more, and do the whole marathon like I had planned!  But TBH, I know that a whole would have been entirely too much for a very first race ever!

What else....
Well we got to experience the first of our children taking the scissors to her hair!  Yep, I'm so not kidding....
See the loverly bangs she made???  Actually they didn't turn out that bad, but very short and, well I decided it was time for a change after she did this...... sooooo......



Now she has a little pixie cut:) 
Yes Amylia is growing a ton.... until I compare her to other kids her age and then I am reminded what a little sweet pea she is!  Crossing fingers she can brake the 30 pound mark for her 5th Birthday....

AJ?  Well he is never without excitement.....
In February, he really gave us a scare.  He came down with some strep infection that was a complication of Chicken Pox, he then gave me and Ashlynn Strep... and then to top it off, a complication arose from his infection.... he came down with vasculitis.  His legs got what looked like a rash on them, they were visibly swollen, and it started rising up his legs.  To top it off he was suddenly in so much pain that he couldn't walk.  I ended up taking him to Urgent Care to be told that it was vasculitis and that there was nothing that we could do and he could possibly be unable to walk for a month.  HOLY SHIT I totally had trouble coping with this and might have totally freaked out, er I mean I handled it so well (ok fine, I freaked out!).  It was scary as hell.... but luckily it only lasted a couple of days, and he was back to himself in no time! WHEW!!!  And here he is on Easter playing soccer with his cousin...


And finally, Ashlynn...
What can I say about this beautiful girl that amazes me every day?!  This girl is growing up too fast!!!
She is enjoying 7th grade and also butting heads with me.... *sigh*


And there we have it......
and hopefully I will be a good girl and blog a little more often...(I make no promises, but really how many of ya really care??? lol!! I kid, and I DO love all of you that are reading this, pinkie promise!)

xoxo-
me





Saturday, January 7, 2012

Sense and sensibility

No, not like the Jane Austen story, but like the kind that I don't exercise nearly as often as I should.  As in, all to often I haz none of that there sense and sensibility, so I'm making an effort here to use some... this time at least!
So I told y'all awhile back that I was registered to run the marathon that is scheduled for next week.  I have been training (outside of my injury that took me out for almost 3 months!!), but it has been hanging over my head if I would be able to get the miles in that I need to do in order to be ready for the marathon.  I simply have not been able to log the miles.  I'm just not where I should be. 
So the time came to decide if I should reconsider racing in the marathon.  I have no doubt that I could do it, finish it, but I know at this point that the amount of walking that would take place is just so much more than I had imagined and that is a serious disappointment.  I have not stopped my training, and am not quitting, but I know that it is not wise to think that I am ready for a marathon. 
To be honest, it was going to be my first race ever.  I haven't been a runner for that long, and when I set my goal for the marathon, I really felt that it was an achievable goal.  Then I fell and hurt my knee.  I wanted to run so bad.  And I just....couldn't.  This sucked so incredibly badly.  But I healed and I still had time to train if I really pushed myself.  Or maybe I was delusional.
I have this habit of doing this sort of thing to myself.  I set goals that are a bit high.  Not that it is a bad thing to set high goals.  This is why I do it.  I aim high.  Go big or go home, dammit! Yeah, there is a history for me of setting goals that I am not able to reach.  My husband knows this about me.  I'm sure he expected it all along really, and I don't mean that in a bad way.  he just knows me well.  He knows I have big dreams and am too stubborn to realize when setting my goals that maybe I should start small.  Its true.  I mean, who decides they want to be a runner (with no real athletic history other than watching sports on television) and sets their first race goal of running a marathon?  Patty does, that's who.
After discussing my running history and training progress with my running friends and my husband, I have decided that the smart thing for me to do would be to set a more realistic and attainable goal of running the 1/2 marathon instead of the whole marathon.  I would be lying if I said that a small part of me is not completely disappointed in myself for having to change this goal.  But I'm just doing my best to ignore that bitch (inside of me) and focus on the fact that I should be proud that I am running, that I will run a 1/2 marathon.  This is a pretty big accomplishment for me, I need to remember this.
Next week, on January 15th, I will run my very first race, the PF Chang's Rock and Roll 1/2 marathon in Tempe Arizona.  I'm not concerned with the time it takes me.  The run is definitely something I can do, and I will have a first official race under my belt.  The first of many....

Saturday, October 1, 2011

I think I can?

Here we are, October already.  I guess some of you call it "Fall"?  I don't know anything about that... I live in Hell, remember?  So, yeah, here in Arizona there is no such thing as "Fall". 
I guess I can't complain, it is cooling down a little.  Hell, it's only 89 degrees right now! (of course it *is* 8:00 pm, lol!)  But anyways, it is cool enough now that I can run outside in the mornings (on the weekend for my longer runs), and it is such a nice change!
I don't really have too much to say.  Been pretty "blah" lately.  Was sick for about a week, still actually getting over it, and just feeling down and discontent with too many aspects of my life.  It's not really like me, I'm always a positive person, and I know this will pass and miss "glass half full" will be back in no time because I'm really not one to dwell on the negatives.  If I did I think it would consume me and I would be in a very dark place.   I always used to believe that if I work hard enough I can reach any goals I set for myself, but lately I am acutely aware that maybe some dreams are just meant to be that... dreams.
But tomorrow I will lace up my shoes, get out the door nice and early and run my sadness away.  I expect there to be a bit of pain, I haven't run since my 6 mile run last Saturday, but for some strange reason I am looking forward to it.  I find when I run it's very calming for me.  The sense of accomplishment when I am done and the goal I am working towards brings me happiness that I *CAN* do this.  And if I can do this running thing, I know I can do anything. 

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