How do you love someone that pushes you away at every turn?
When it's just anyone, even a spouse, I think at some point you cut your losses and close a door. But when it's your son? You love harder. And how hard that can be at times....
This week has been an especially trying week. School started, and I knew his anxiety would be high. It had been hard a week or two prior when his dad was out of town for work. And my sweet little aspie doesn't hold it together so well when he's feeling that pressure. The week his dad was gone was rough. He took it out on me and was angry, as though it was my fault. I expected that and did what I could to assure him things would be back to normal soon. But the back to school stuff? I didn't think it would be so hard. And I had hoped that with the meds he's on now, he would handle it better. It left me an emotional wreck after he did his best to express his anger and hatred for me.
It's exceptionally hard for me because my childhood wasn't the happiest. It was filled with verbal abuse and I actually did fear for my safety. I was well behaved because I didn't think, I *knew* I would get the shit beat out of me if I pissed her off. I did my best to stay under the radar and I did a damned good job of it. So to become a parent myself, I made sure not to follow in the footsteps I had been forced to follow as a child. I have raised my children with love and security. I want them to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that they have my love and support, no matter what. And they do, I believe. I think I am a very involved mother and love my children unconditionally.
But then I have this sweet AJ. I think he truly believes he has a rough life. I don't think its a kid being dramatic. I can see it in his eyes. He truly thinks I am mean and horrible and his life is terrible. And it tears my heart out. His feelings, irrational as they are, are real. And how do I teach him that his life? It's not bad. That his mom? Isn't a bad one at all? When he treats me like he does (yes I'll tell you about that in a minute), there's different reactions in my head. The human in me wants to say "you think I'm mean‽ I'll SHOW you mean!!"(but that isn't in me, so I would and could never). The girl who avoided confrontation and anger wants to run away and hide (but I'm also a mom to two other children who need me and would suffer in my absence, so the urge to withdraw isn't as strong as my will to be the mom I know I am). But really, what the hell am I supposed to do when I'm shit on again and again?
His meltdowns have dramatically gone down to virtually none since he started on meds for his anxiety, but now he handles it in a more calculated way. And this scares me. I'm very concerned that his anger and what feels like true hatred for me will manifest into god knows what as he gets older. What will his actions manifest into?
I get that his ODD (oppositional defiance disorder) affects how he treats me. And that he treats me the worst. I get that if he considers someone an expert he respects them. And this is why, even when he's angry with his father, he does what he's told and is respectful to him. He's a teacher. Therefore he's an expert. But me? I clearly know nothing. He won't believe things I say unless he runs it by his dad. Wtf? It's getting old but I deal with it and his dad backs me up. But this past week, he has told me he wishes his dad had met another woman and that I had never been his mom. He's not just saying words. He means it. He has told me he hates me. I'm mean. (Again, not in the way an NT kid might say it as they grow up, I can see in the look on his face that he's not trying to hurt me, he's being real and blunt and true to how he feels, and this is why it is so upsetting!). He set up booby traps in his room when he went to bed with a note that was hanging from it. "I hate you mom". Ouch. That hurt. Bad.
So that was my week. How was yours?