Holy Sh!T !!!

Well, this is a first for me.....
Christmas is in, what, less then 10 days? Oh my, and HOLY SHIT!!! Freakout will commence very shortly! You see, my preferred method to preparing for Christmas includes me beginning to shop in August or September, taking it slowly. Then, for Black Friday, I get my ass out there (oh yes, I have stood in many a line at 3am to get that awesome deal that awaits!) in the crazy hours that are Black Friday, and I finish up on that day. Maybe I have 1 or two more gifts to buy before Christmas, but no rush really.
Here I am, uncomfortably close to Christmas and would you believe that I have purchase 0 (yes, that would be a ZERO) gifts thus far!!!! WTF???!!! Well, lets be honest here, this has not exactly been a year of happy happy joy joy when it comes to the big financial picture. I have to admit, had things not just recently turned around I don't know that a Christmas would even be possible for us this year, so I am incredibly greatful to the turn of events that has put us in a better place. And this weekend, we will be shopping and getting ready to play santa, but HOLY SHIT, Christmas is so close and I don't want to be out shopping the Saturday before Christmas and OMG I am mucho overwhelmed by the incredibly late start that I am getting for this season!!!
And? For the record, I KNOW that Christmas isn't just about giving gifts to your kids, but who doesn't want to give their kids the kind of memories they deserve? I don't mean spoiling the kids rotten, as I have no intention of doing this. To be honest, I am this close ---><--- to not having Santa come for certain little children who don't seem to behave, thinking that even though Santa knows if they are being naughty they will still receive gifts! I have never done this, but wow, let's just say boys are a different breed!!! LOLOLOL! Nah, my kiddos are good..... as long as mommy is not around!! LOL!
Sooooo, if you are out and about on Saturday, shopping, and you see someone hyperventilating into a paper bag? Yeah, that's prolly me;)
And If I'm not back again before Christmas? ¡Feliz Navidad!

I haven't gone anywhere but crazy my friends:)

I have been terribly lax about keeping this blog up, and that was not the intention! Life just seems to be plugging along and before I know it, it has been forever and a day since I have blogged. But enough dwelling and lets move on already!
Lets do this in a run on sentence, just for shits and giggles, shall we?
My how much has changed, Mia turned 3 (but she is STILL so friggen tiny, but growing and that is all that matters), we moved, Ashlynn turned 11 and started 6th grade at a new school, AJ turned 5, I took a class, I got an amazing job with a great Doctor, we were forced to get rid of dear old Rocky (one of our dogs), Ashlynn made district chior and performed at my old high school for the concert, ummmm, I think that about covers it! The end?
It doesn't really sound like that much when I put in down here, but trust me things have been busy busy busy!
The main thing consuming all of my time, energy and sanity these past few months has been the terrible class I have to take. If you know me, you know the one. The one that I cannot seem to conquer, but of course that doesn't make me give up! But tonight? I feel a bit defeated. I had my final tonight, and I knew that I had to really kill it because this has been a struggle. Strange for me really, because school has never been difficult for me. High school was pretty much a cake walk, damn if I had really pushed myself I can only wonder... College, well that really wasn't so difficult either, it took me forever to get the degree, but that is just because I couldn't dedicate myself to school alone, working full time throughout and starting a family. I don't regret that at all, but that one of the reason's I took so long to finish, the other being that I changed my mind so many times about "what I wanted to be" when I grew up. But this one class? Well let me just tell you it has really been a struggle. I don't know how I did, and I admit I am scared because failure is not acceptable to me and is certainly not an option. The mere fact that I did get one test back this semester that had a 50% on it made me almost die. I'm an "A", even "B" student. By no means is anything below that acceptable and here I sit, praying for a "C" now. Then, just for icing on the cake, I find out that the rush to take this class (it is a 2 semester class) so that I can apply and get into dental school? Well, it sorta feels like it was all for nothing because I cannot even get into the second semester at this point because it is full as is the wait list. So it almost doesn't matter how I did. If I passed, awesome, but then I have to wait until NEXT January to take the second semester, and will I really remember all of this stuff by then? If I didn't pass, well what a fucking waste!
I don't have any plans of throwing in the towel, although it is tempting and easy to quit, but then I would feel like all of the education I have worked hard for would be for nothing because it has gotten me no further then I would be if I hadn't done it. UGH!
So I'm stressed, and that is where I've been.
Tonight, after all of this mess, Ashlynn had a band concert, and I felt terrible because I had to rush to it and got there late. Luckily, I only missed the beginning band and got there in time to see her perform, but it just was not a good feeling as I do not want to be that mom. The one who misses things, and that almost happened. It broke my heart.
So today is over and all I can do is look forward to whatever happens tomorrow. I'll keep my head up and things will be fine, this I believe. And the next post (which will be soon, pinky promise!!).... It will be the fun, happy go lucky me :)

Has it really been that long?

Wow, I mean really, wow people! I can't believe I haven't checked in for so long, but what can I say? No excuse really, just busy busy busy!

But enough about me...

Ok, it's actually ALL about me as this is my party so you get what I give you here ;)

So here we are, the last few weeks of school for Ashlynn and Joe, we get a little hectic as it is time to tie up any loose ends (ie: any assignments Ash has shoved in that overflowing desk of hers that never hit the teacher's desk!) and Joe finishing up his grading. Anticipation for the summer. Ah, shit, summer?! Living here in HELL, it provides less fun and more discomfort then I look forward to, but we do pretty good making the most of it! This summer holds lots of new and exciting stuff for us, so I'm busy preparing for what is to come. What, you may ask? We move very shortly after school gets out and we are very excited but have lots of work to do to prepare! How, I ask you, does one family accumulate so much crap? Lord, I am purging and dumping all that I can, packing, cleaning, packing, cleaning...

So what have you missed? Well here's the short version of what has transpired since I last posted.... I lost a job. I have a review one day where I am told I am great, there is nothing I can improve and I get a raise, then a month later I have to leave early because my little Mia got sick at school and BAM, he fires me! Yep, but really it was a job that I was very unhappy at as he was a TERRIBLE Orthodontist! I had this issue going on inside of my head where I found it so hard to place these wires that he had bent all to hell, or repositioning brackets over and over again because he was inept in his bracket placement. Oh it was the worst work that I have ever seen in my 13+ years in the field and it was not work that made me proud. This, plus the environment working with catty people that are too young and immature to get that there is so much more to life then being bitchy to others to make yourself feel good about yourself made it so difficult to be upset about losing this job. Sure, the pay was great, the whole reason I took the job in an effort to keep the house. But now that I know we are not keeping the house? SCREW IT! Money is not everything, so now I am back at the happy job that I loved before this one. The one that for the past year has been called my Monday job (cuz I just couldn't leave it when I quit because I loved it so and they loved having me work there) is now my only job again. And I am so happy about that. Not only that, I went back with the option of working whatever days I want to, so I am now working a whopping 3 days a week! Tues-Thursday! This will give me no excuse to finish up my schooling so that I can get that "Dr." before my name where it belongs!

As for the kids...

I mentioned above about Mia being sick, well she has had 2 separate ear infections this month in the same ear (that has a tube in it!) but she seems to be better now! She saw the endocrinologist again and he said that "she is not out of the woods yet" but that he still wants to just monitor her. She has grown in the past 6 months, but not as much as he would have expected. One accomplishment on her growth? I can no longer call her my 20-pound-wonder... she is NOW my 23-pound-wonder! That's right, she will be 3 years old at the end of this month and still a little peanut! LOL!

Adrian is growing like crazy and is just so amazing! He questions everything and you can literally see the wheels turning in his head as he processes the information. So smart! I love watching kids learn! He, just so happens to be sick today, so it looks like we will be making a trip to see Dr. Irwin again tomorrow. Fever, sore throat, better NOT be strep! OY!

Ashlynn? She is finishing up FIFTH GRADE!!! How does this happen so fast? I'm pretty sure she was just born a blink ago? I DO have, on film, her most recent talent show performance AND her band solo (she plays the saxophone) that I will put on here just as soon as I can! Needless to say, AMAZING, as you will see... um, soon!

Ok, and now for PICTURES!!!

A nice couple at Cracker Barrel saw the kids admiring their Harley's and let them sit on them!

The Kids at Johnny Rockets!

Ashlynn playing at the park!

The Girl

She was a young girl living in a very unconventional home. Her parents were very overprotective after having almost lost her years ago in a custody battle. They would never leave her alone or let her stay at a friends house because they were so concerned about her safety. That being said, one would think that she lived in a safe, happy home, but nothing could be farther from the truth. Her father, a very loving man, worked in construction all day and drank beer all night until he could not even walk straight. Her step mother was an alcoholic whose world revolved around alcohol and the bar scene. She was only ten years old, and even though her life had been full of misfortune and disappointment, her world was about to get turned upside down and she had no way of stopping it.
It was a normal night in the house, where friends from the local bar were in and out, drinking and playing card games with the step mother. The small house, probably only 300 square feet of space, was always dark and filled with smoke from cigarettes. This house, well, you can't really call it a house, or a home, it was really a shack. This shack consisted of one tiny bathroom that was just bigger then a port a potty, a small bedroom, living room and a kitchen that was smaller then a bathroom stall at a restaurant. In this shack lived the young girl, her father, step mother, aunt, cousin, and sometimes many other stranger friends that her parents befriended at the bar. Unhealthy lifestyle and household, yes, you could say that, but it was her life and there was no way for her to change it, so she would escape from her reality through music. That girl could listen to and sing music for hours and it would make her forget about everything going on around her, so not much of it bothered her, until this night.
On weeknights, the local grocery store closed at midnight, and it was a nightly trip that her parents took to go to this store to buy another case of beer. They usually made her get up and go with them, even if it was a school night, but this night was different. She was so happy that they allowed her to stay home and in bed, how little she could for see that maybe getting dragged to the store in the middle of the night wasn't so bad after all. This night, a friend from the bar was still at the house when her parents realized that it was time to go to the store if they were going to have beer for tomorrow. He was an old man, had been a friend for a few years and was always at the house playing cards. He was always very friendly and liked to give the little girl gifts for Christmas and her Birthday. Her parents deemed him trustworthy, so they left him there to watch their daughter while they went to the store.
The girl was awake when her parents left for the store, so she wasn't startled when the man walked into her bedroom. The only way to the bathroom was through that tiny bedroom, so she assumed he was just walking through to use the facilities. Innocence gave her no reason to fear what he intended to do to her. Maybe he didn't even intend to do anything, maybe he was just walking through the room to use the bathroom and something clicked in his mind when he glanced over and saw the girl in her bed? Who knows what his intentions were, either way he acted on his urge and he went to her bed and stole her innocence away forever.
That man was never brought to justice for his crime against that girl, because she never spoke of it. Her parents never found out that they had left her in a situation that was dangerous and that because of that their daughter was changed from a child to a broken person. For years to come, that man would still come to the house, he would bring even more gifts for the girl, but they were unwanted and usually untouched by the girl. She never allowed herself to be alone with the man again. She would jump out of bed to go with her parents to the store if that man were still at the house at night, which he was and often. This was how her life continued until she graduated high school and quickly got her own place, never to be put in any situation that she could not control again....
But the story doesn't end there. That girl? Well, she was blessed in such a way that her prince charming did ride up on his white horse (actually, a midnight blue Chevette!). This prince, he arrived at just the right time, right before High school even started, and he made more of an impact on her life then he could ever imagine. Had it not been for him, she would have surely made some poor choices to help numb the pain and she would likely become someone she would hate. But he was there, he loved her, cared for her, steered her in the right direction when she would start to go astray. Even now, when she lets her past come back to haunt her, he's there, holding her, loving her, through any pain she puts him through. That girl, she wouldn't change anything, because really all of life's pain, disappointments, and struggles; well this along with the victories, joys, and triumphs, they make us who we are and give us strength, perspective, and a vision of how things can and should be. And that girl, she wouldn't know this happiness, this true love that runs deeper then space in the universe, and is stronger then the winds of ten thousand hurricanes, had it not been for the past she had lived. This girl has learned, dwelling on the struggles will get you nothing but more pain and suffering, picking your head up, leaning on those that love you, and moving forward, that's the path to true happiness.

Lost...

I awoke at 3am on Tuesday and realized he wasn't there. The guy who sleeps on me every night was not there. No, not that guy, the man I have been married to for almost 13 years, he was next to me;) but my kitty cat, Legolas was not on me. For some reason, like a mother's instinct I knew something was not right. I could have just rolled over, figuring he was wondering the house, but I did not. I got up. I called for him. He did not come. I checked the kids rooms, because if he was in there then he would wake them up and he would be in big trouble. Nowhere, he was nowhere. I knew that somehow he must have gotten out of the house.

That scenario was not a good one as he is an indoor cat, declawed and never allowed outside. I know that this sounds crazy, I mean, he is just a cat.... but I was really upset.

When we got this cat, I really really did not like him. In fact, I half wished he would run away. We found him on a local website. We were searching for a kitty. This guy, well, we were told he was a she, and her name was Peaches. Such a sad story, this was 6 years ago, when a lot of kids here in Arizona were dying of the flu. Well, a family had lost their 3 year old son, and Peaches was his kitty. Everyone else in the house was allergic to cats so they no longer wanted him as his owner had died. So sad, so we went and picked him up. I suppose I would have taken him anyways, but I never even thought to check to make sure it was a girl. I got him home and as he walked around the house I realized that is not a girl!!! So we changed his name to Legolas (yes, after Orlando Blooms character in Lord Of The Rings!) And true to a male cat, he sprayed! And sprayed, and sprayed!! I could not stand this damn cat! But to see him with my daughter, you could tell that he was mourning a child. I could see him bonding with Ashlynn and he loved her in a way I had never seen a cat love a person. Then he started loving me like this. It had gotten to a point where he sleeps on me, every single night. Sometimes it is annoying, but mostly I love it now!

I had to work on Tuesday, but on my lunch I came by the house and searched for him. Nothing. I went outside and searched all around the house, nothing. When I got home from work, I went for a walk around the neighborhood to find him, nothing. I had gotten to a point where I realized he was probably not coming back, as he has never been gone before.

I was up most of Tuesday night, partly because I have been suffering from a bit of insomnia lately, but mostly because I was listening for my kitty, just in case he came home. The whole night passed and nothing. Nothing, until 5am!!!! I could just barely hear it, but hear it I did!! I could just make out a quiet crying from outside! I threw on some clothes and ran out to get him. It took a little coaxing, but finally my white cat... no wait, now he looks a little brown after his outdoor excursion... to come inside!!

Yes, he is home, back to sleeping on me. All is right with the world, at least when it comes to my pet world!! And me? No longer feeling lost without my kitty!!!

Happy Vanentines Day!

In celebration of the upcoming Valentines day, I want to tell you all that I love you! I mean it, YOU! (no, not in a weird, freaky, stalker kinda way either!!) But I do love you. If you are one of my IRL friends or family member, I want you to know that I love you! If you are a Twitter or Facebook friend, I love you! If you stumbled upon this blog and I don't know who you are, that's right, I love you! I'm not a hater (well, trolls may not fall into the "I love you" category!) and I really do love all of you! And now, to step completely out of my box and show you, enjoy (or just press mute!!) this song, sung by yours truly, for you....
http://www.divshare.com/download/10438669-ae8

A shell of who I was and am...

I am seriously disappointed in myself for abandoning this blog for so long! It has just sat here, all lonely and unkempt, but I haven't forgotten, just merely been unable to stop in. But here I am, in my full glory: the good, the bad, yeah.. you know!

To be completely honest, I have just been drifting through life lately. Not wanting to post only to bitch about this life I lead, I have left this blog alone for awhile. But what the hell, it's my blog and I'll cry, I mean write, if I want to!!!

I've changed. Yes, it's true, we all change, it's part of life and there is no way around it. But I have changed lately in ways that I don't like and it has gotten to a point that I don't even really know who I am anymore. Values, goals, dreams, yeah they are pretty much in tact and the same, but ME, as a person? I don't know what happened. I think it honestly goes back to around when I lost my job almost 2 years ago, but maybe even before that. All I know is that the confident person I once was is no longer. I put on a facade of confidence most of the time, but really I feel like I am shards from a shattered glass. I get overwhelmed from things that are so stupid, yet I stay strong and steadfast in the face of so many other things.

I know that I AM strong, I've been through too much and survived it for me not to be strong... yet why do I feel so small, insignificant, and fragile when these are all things I have never felt before?

I feel like a shell of the person I once was. I think the inside has changed so much that I'm trying to sort it all out right now. Once I know who I am now, I will share this person with you. Maybe even as I try to sort out all of the pieces to this puzzle that makes me me. Until then, know that I am OK, if only OK, and that if it seems like I am avoiding you its not anything personal. I am realizing that lately I am kind of like a turtle, who retracts into their shell when feeling fearful or just stressed out. Please just bear with me as I work through all of this, I do still care about all of my friends and family and hope that you can understand.

Oh, and did I mention SCHOOL has started a new semester? Oh yippie, cuz I have just too much time on my hands!! Yes, I think I do like to torture myself sooo!

But I will end this on a higher note.... Pictures of the KIDS!!!