The Girl

She was a young girl living in a very unconventional home. Her parents were very overprotective after having almost lost her years ago in a custody battle. They would never leave her alone or let her stay at a friends house because they were so concerned about her safety. That being said, one would think that she lived in a safe, happy home, but nothing could be farther from the truth. Her father, a very loving man, worked in construction all day and drank beer all night until he could not even walk straight. Her step mother was an alcoholic whose world revolved around alcohol and the bar scene. She was only ten years old, and even though her life had been full of misfortune and disappointment, her world was about to get turned upside down and she had no way of stopping it.
It was a normal night in the house, where friends from the local bar were in and out, drinking and playing card games with the step mother. The small house, probably only 300 square feet of space, was always dark and filled with smoke from cigarettes. This house, well, you can't really call it a house, or a home, it was really a shack. This shack consisted of one tiny bathroom that was just bigger then a port a potty, a small bedroom, living room and a kitchen that was smaller then a bathroom stall at a restaurant. In this shack lived the young girl, her father, step mother, aunt, cousin, and sometimes many other stranger friends that her parents befriended at the bar. Unhealthy lifestyle and household, yes, you could say that, but it was her life and there was no way for her to change it, so she would escape from her reality through music. That girl could listen to and sing music for hours and it would make her forget about everything going on around her, so not much of it bothered her, until this night.
On weeknights, the local grocery store closed at midnight, and it was a nightly trip that her parents took to go to this store to buy another case of beer. They usually made her get up and go with them, even if it was a school night, but this night was different. She was so happy that they allowed her to stay home and in bed, how little she could for see that maybe getting dragged to the store in the middle of the night wasn't so bad after all. This night, a friend from the bar was still at the house when her parents realized that it was time to go to the store if they were going to have beer for tomorrow. He was an old man, had been a friend for a few years and was always at the house playing cards. He was always very friendly and liked to give the little girl gifts for Christmas and her Birthday. Her parents deemed him trustworthy, so they left him there to watch their daughter while they went to the store.
The girl was awake when her parents left for the store, so she wasn't startled when the man walked into her bedroom. The only way to the bathroom was through that tiny bedroom, so she assumed he was just walking through to use the facilities. Innocence gave her no reason to fear what he intended to do to her. Maybe he didn't even intend to do anything, maybe he was just walking through the room to use the bathroom and something clicked in his mind when he glanced over and saw the girl in her bed? Who knows what his intentions were, either way he acted on his urge and he went to her bed and stole her innocence away forever.
That man was never brought to justice for his crime against that girl, because she never spoke of it. Her parents never found out that they had left her in a situation that was dangerous and that because of that their daughter was changed from a child to a broken person. For years to come, that man would still come to the house, he would bring even more gifts for the girl, but they were unwanted and usually untouched by the girl. She never allowed herself to be alone with the man again. She would jump out of bed to go with her parents to the store if that man were still at the house at night, which he was and often. This was how her life continued until she graduated high school and quickly got her own place, never to be put in any situation that she could not control again....
But the story doesn't end there. That girl? Well, she was blessed in such a way that her prince charming did ride up on his white horse (actually, a midnight blue Chevette!). This prince, he arrived at just the right time, right before High school even started, and he made more of an impact on her life then he could ever imagine. Had it not been for him, she would have surely made some poor choices to help numb the pain and she would likely become someone she would hate. But he was there, he loved her, cared for her, steered her in the right direction when she would start to go astray. Even now, when she lets her past come back to haunt her, he's there, holding her, loving her, through any pain she puts him through. That girl, she wouldn't change anything, because really all of life's pain, disappointments, and struggles; well this along with the victories, joys, and triumphs, they make us who we are and give us strength, perspective, and a vision of how things can and should be. And that girl, she wouldn't know this happiness, this true love that runs deeper then space in the universe, and is stronger then the winds of ten thousand hurricanes, had it not been for the past she had lived. This girl has learned, dwelling on the struggles will get you nothing but more pain and suffering, picking your head up, leaning on those that love you, and moving forward, that's the path to true happiness.

Lost...

I awoke at 3am on Tuesday and realized he wasn't there. The guy who sleeps on me every night was not there. No, not that guy, the man I have been married to for almost 13 years, he was next to me;) but my kitty cat, Legolas was not on me. For some reason, like a mother's instinct I knew something was not right. I could have just rolled over, figuring he was wondering the house, but I did not. I got up. I called for him. He did not come. I checked the kids rooms, because if he was in there then he would wake them up and he would be in big trouble. Nowhere, he was nowhere. I knew that somehow he must have gotten out of the house.

That scenario was not a good one as he is an indoor cat, declawed and never allowed outside. I know that this sounds crazy, I mean, he is just a cat.... but I was really upset.

When we got this cat, I really really did not like him. In fact, I half wished he would run away. We found him on a local website. We were searching for a kitty. This guy, well, we were told he was a she, and her name was Peaches. Such a sad story, this was 6 years ago, when a lot of kids here in Arizona were dying of the flu. Well, a family had lost their 3 year old son, and Peaches was his kitty. Everyone else in the house was allergic to cats so they no longer wanted him as his owner had died. So sad, so we went and picked him up. I suppose I would have taken him anyways, but I never even thought to check to make sure it was a girl. I got him home and as he walked around the house I realized that is not a girl!!! So we changed his name to Legolas (yes, after Orlando Blooms character in Lord Of The Rings!) And true to a male cat, he sprayed! And sprayed, and sprayed!! I could not stand this damn cat! But to see him with my daughter, you could tell that he was mourning a child. I could see him bonding with Ashlynn and he loved her in a way I had never seen a cat love a person. Then he started loving me like this. It had gotten to a point where he sleeps on me, every single night. Sometimes it is annoying, but mostly I love it now!

I had to work on Tuesday, but on my lunch I came by the house and searched for him. Nothing. I went outside and searched all around the house, nothing. When I got home from work, I went for a walk around the neighborhood to find him, nothing. I had gotten to a point where I realized he was probably not coming back, as he has never been gone before.

I was up most of Tuesday night, partly because I have been suffering from a bit of insomnia lately, but mostly because I was listening for my kitty, just in case he came home. The whole night passed and nothing. Nothing, until 5am!!!! I could just barely hear it, but hear it I did!! I could just make out a quiet crying from outside! I threw on some clothes and ran out to get him. It took a little coaxing, but finally my white cat... no wait, now he looks a little brown after his outdoor excursion... to come inside!!

Yes, he is home, back to sleeping on me. All is right with the world, at least when it comes to my pet world!! And me? No longer feeling lost without my kitty!!!

Happy Vanentines Day!

In celebration of the upcoming Valentines day, I want to tell you all that I love you! I mean it, YOU! (no, not in a weird, freaky, stalker kinda way either!!) But I do love you. If you are one of my IRL friends or family member, I want you to know that I love you! If you are a Twitter or Facebook friend, I love you! If you stumbled upon this blog and I don't know who you are, that's right, I love you! I'm not a hater (well, trolls may not fall into the "I love you" category!) and I really do love all of you! And now, to step completely out of my box and show you, enjoy (or just press mute!!) this song, sung by yours truly, for you....
http://www.divshare.com/download/10438669-ae8

A shell of who I was and am...

I am seriously disappointed in myself for abandoning this blog for so long! It has just sat here, all lonely and unkempt, but I haven't forgotten, just merely been unable to stop in. But here I am, in my full glory: the good, the bad, yeah.. you know!

To be completely honest, I have just been drifting through life lately. Not wanting to post only to bitch about this life I lead, I have left this blog alone for awhile. But what the hell, it's my blog and I'll cry, I mean write, if I want to!!!

I've changed. Yes, it's true, we all change, it's part of life and there is no way around it. But I have changed lately in ways that I don't like and it has gotten to a point that I don't even really know who I am anymore. Values, goals, dreams, yeah they are pretty much in tact and the same, but ME, as a person? I don't know what happened. I think it honestly goes back to around when I lost my job almost 2 years ago, but maybe even before that. All I know is that the confident person I once was is no longer. I put on a facade of confidence most of the time, but really I feel like I am shards from a shattered glass. I get overwhelmed from things that are so stupid, yet I stay strong and steadfast in the face of so many other things.

I know that I AM strong, I've been through too much and survived it for me not to be strong... yet why do I feel so small, insignificant, and fragile when these are all things I have never felt before?

I feel like a shell of the person I once was. I think the inside has changed so much that I'm trying to sort it all out right now. Once I know who I am now, I will share this person with you. Maybe even as I try to sort out all of the pieces to this puzzle that makes me me. Until then, know that I am OK, if only OK, and that if it seems like I am avoiding you its not anything personal. I am realizing that lately I am kind of like a turtle, who retracts into their shell when feeling fearful or just stressed out. Please just bear with me as I work through all of this, I do still care about all of my friends and family and hope that you can understand.

Oh, and did I mention SCHOOL has started a new semester? Oh yippie, cuz I have just too much time on my hands!! Yes, I think I do like to torture myself sooo!

But I will end this on a higher note.... Pictures of the KIDS!!!

I Am

I am.....
wife, mother, daughter, sister, student, teacher, workerbee, butt-wiper extrodinairre (but only to my 2 and 3 year olds;), chef, maid, servant, happy, sad, scared, overwhelmed, stressed, inconsolable, overworked, underpaid, exhausted, in love, talented, scatterbrained, intelligent, ditzy, frustrated, furious, nice, considerate, fat, lazy, absentminded, poor, insignificant, insecure, confident, positive, negative, a procrastinator, frantic, calm, somebody, nobody, honest, deceptive, satisfied, unsatisfied, a dreamer, a realist, accepting, a dork, cool, right, wrong, sorry, empathetic, embarassed, proud, eager, sweet, loving, insane in the membrane, needy, independant, stubborn, controlling, used, gullible, mean, beautiful, ugly, hurt, seamstress, organized, unorganized, packrat, quiet, loud, singer, spazzoid, funny, humorless, impatient, fast, slow, witty, alive, irreplacable;), forgettable, persistent, a failure, a winner, human.
This is me.

So very wrong...

Warning: Close friends and family members may want to skip reading this particular post as it deals with parts of my past that you do not know about and do not necessarily want to know about, but it is a post that I feel compelled to write after recent events in the news.

Ok, now that I have gotten that disclosure out of the way, on with my topic...

I have a problem, a MASSIVE problem with the recent arrest, and more importantly, the outcry for the release of Roman Polanski.
For those that are unaware, after 30 years of living a free, high life, fugitive Roman Polanski was arrested in Switzerland and is to be extradited to the U.S. because of a rape he committed to a 13 year old girl.
Now, celebrities, directors, producers, etc are coming out in Polanski's DEFENSE saying that he should NOT be extradited and forced to face a sentence for this heinous crime that was committed so long ago!!! My first thoughts? What the fuck???!!! The man RAPED a 13 year old girl! Is there some privilege in Celebrityland that allows celebrities to do as they please, even if that means raping a CHILD?! It disgusts me beyond belief that celebrities such as Debra Winger, Whoopi Goldberg, Woody Allen, Martin Scorsese, David Lynch, Harvey Weinstein, Pedro Almodóvar and Ethan Coen are all coming to this monster's defense because of so many reasons that don't matter! He has had a successful film career? SO THE FUCK WHAT? It's been so long ago that this happened? EVEN MORE OF A TRAVESTY! It wasn't "rape-rape" according to Whoopi Goldberg? FIRST off, even if it HAD been consensual (which it was NOT as documented in the court papers!), it is STILL rape because a 13 year old girl is in no way capable of having REAL consensual sex with an old man! This is why they call it rape, even if the CHILD agreed... But this child DID NOT agree to what this monster did to her! He drugged her and wouldn't stop even though she told him to stop, don't touch her, she even tried to get away and he wouldn't let her!
BUT, apparently since he has made successful films, it's ok. Let's just let him be free because he has had a rough life. Clearly it was terribly rough for him as he lived in Europe and continued to make films. Rough, rough life. I wonder, had the sicko that held Jaycee Dugard captive from the time she was 11 until she was 29, if HE was a filmmaker or other type of celebrity, would this have been ok?
I'm not one to normally rant and rave over things which I really cannot change and have no say in, but as a victim of child rape, I am really compelled to write about this situation. In my case, my monster never stood trial on this earth because I let him get away with it. I was a child, only 10, and I was too afraid to ever tell anyone. It was a family friend and in the years following the assault I stuck close to my parents and was never alone with the bastard again. My parents had no idea, always thought he was such a nice man because he always brought "gifts" for me. I was sickened by the whole situation but was always too afraid to reveal the truth. Now? Lord it has been too long. The bastard is dead and gone, so I know he faced judgment for what he did and I am at peace with that, but I will still never tell my parents because all it will do is hurt them now. So I hold it in, only very few people have known about it up to this point. Let me say, when I say I am "at peace" with it, I mean I am at peace with the fact that God had judged him. Not with what he did to me. I'll never be OK, I'll always be a little fucked up over what he did to me, But I do know that I was a victim, not at fault for his crime.
I know the victim in the Polanski rape doesn't want to open up this old wound, but it is still a wound and will always be because of this awful thing that this demon did to her when she was a child. People who say he is only accused? Nope, not really. He signed a plea deal admitting guilt, so we cannot say he hasn't been convicted of a crime. The pussy skipped out on his sentencing because he was AFRAID they wouldn't honor the plea deal he agreed to? Nope, I don't buy that as an excuse.
So who is right? Well, me of course cuz this is my blog and you're just visiting it;) But honestly, in the end, this demon will be judged by the only one that matters. Hopefully sooner rather than later... oh wait, did I just say that "out loud"?

Here I am, thanks to Legolas!

Who? What? Well, Legolas is my cat. He is a sweet cat that is all white and he is sweet, did I mention he is sweet? This is important, because if he weren't sweet? Dude would be out the door and I mean yesterday! Patty, you ask, what the hell are you talking about? Well this wonderful furball has recently decided that, like dogs do for their owners (I hear, my dogs don't actually do this though!) he MUST wake me up at 5:30 in the morning, if by chance I am not already up!!! Normally, this wouldn't be an issue because the babies are ALWAYS up like friggin clockwork! But today? Well let's just say Lego is on my list, and it ain't the good one! It is now 7:34, I have been up (thank you, Mr. Meows so loudly his cuteness/sweetness is only going to get him so far, cat!) since 5:30. But the babies? STILL SLEEPING, as SHOULD I be! The only bright side is that here I sit and I can fill you in on the going's on in mc-mommyland!

SICK

Poor little Mia got sick on Monday night. By Tuesday night I knew I was likely looking at the possibility of missing work the next day as daycares aren't exactly warm to the idea of sick kids being left there. Luckily, I have a great boss who is understanding and I stayed home on Wednesday to tend to my 20lb wonder (my little nickname for the girl who won't gain weight! It took her until 24 months of age to hit the 20lb mark and she just can't seem to get any heavier! The underweight issue, she totally gets it from me.....NOT!). Anyways, nothing like waiting to call the Dr. because your little on is VERY sick (coughing, fever, sullen face gives her away) and then getting a text from a bitchy coworker who is pissed because she is now forced to make 1 retainer... REALLY? But that is a whole 'nother story! Ok, to my point, she got to see HER Dr (which always reassures me because Dr. Irwin is the bestest Pediatrician in the whole entire world!) and we found out the poor baby has pneumonia!!! Holy cough Batman, pneumonia?! That wasn't something I expected, sooo very happy I got her in NOW and before it got WORSE! Little princess really has suffered enough in her short life w/ her acid reflux and hernia she had as an infant, poor baby! So, out came the baby monitors again (thank God I still have them!) as I was freaking out that she would struggle to breath while sleeping and how would I know???

She is doing better now. Still has the terrible cough, but fever free since starting the antibiotics so hopefully it will be gone soon!

The other kids?

Well, pretty sure AJ is coming down with something as he keeps saying he feels sicky and is more whiny then a cold cellar in Napa Valley! Yep, something probably brewing!

Ashlynn? Ya, sure, you betcha, she seems to think she is sick too. It has seemed as though she was trying to cough like Mia, but maybe there is really something there too? Ay Dios mio, what's a mc-mommy to do???

On the bright side, my little 20lb wonder? No longer!!! She's now a 21lb wonder!!! This, my friends is a triumphant milestone for my sweet little "mitchit" (she calls herself a "mitchit", she is really saying "princess", but if you don't know it certainly sounds exactly like "midget", which she kinda is;)

So, this message has been brought to you because of a noisy, naughty kitty! I guess I should say thank you to Legolas, but that is not exactly how I am feeling right now! Mia is up now, so gotta go!