Fragility

Well, it's scheduled. Surgery. And now I have a month to freak the fuck out. Yes, I tend to be a glass half full kind of girl in almost everything in life. But this sort of thing? Not so much. 

I get that surgeries are routine and all of that, and of course there are still risks involved, as with any surgery there are risks. But having known someone that died from complications of anesthesia, I know that those risks are very real. And it scares me. I'm not terrified of death per se, but more terrified of leaving my children without a mother. Terrified of not waking up and seeing my babies grow up. Yes, I know its a quite morbid view of a pretty routine surgery, but I can't help it. 

But truly if you think about it, tomorrow is promised to no one. I could die before the sun rises, but I'm not scared to fall asleep tonight. So why does this surgery cause me such fear?  I dunno....

But I do look forward to the day I'm healed. When I don't feel so helpless. When I'm not in so much pain that I can sleep at night.  When I can RUN again. God I do miss that. 

You know how kids are almost fearless? They tend to think they are invincible and will not be hurt. I personally have never felt the sense of fragility that I now feel. I wonder if that will ever go away?  Will I forever now be cautious and fear my body will fail me and I could suffer an injury over something as silly as a wet floor?  Who have I turned into?  

I just wanna be me again.