Unconditional love... It's hard

How do you love someone that pushes you away at every turn? 

When it's just anyone, even a spouse, I think at some point you cut your losses and close a door. But when it's your son? You love harder. And how hard that can be at times....

This week has been an especially trying week. School started, and I knew his anxiety would be high. It had been hard a week or two prior when his dad was out of town for work. And my sweet little aspie doesn't hold it together so well when he's feeling that pressure. The week his dad was gone was rough. He took it out on me and was angry, as though it was my fault. I expected that and did what I could to assure him things would be back to normal soon. But the back to school stuff? I didn't think it would be so hard. And I had hoped that with the meds he's on now, he would handle it better. It left me an emotional wreck after he did his best to express his anger and hatred for me. 

It's exceptionally hard for me  because my childhood wasn't the happiest. It was filled with verbal abuse and I actually did fear for my safety. I was well behaved because I didn't think, I *knew* I would get the shit beat out of me if I pissed her off. I did my best to stay under the radar and I did a damned good job of it. So to become a parent myself, I made sure not to follow in the footsteps I had been forced to follow as a child. I have raised my children with love and security. I want them to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that they have my love and support, no matter what. And they do, I believe. I think I am a very involved mother and love my children unconditionally. 

But then I have this sweet AJ. I think he truly believes he has a rough life. I don't think its a kid being dramatic. I can see it in his eyes. He truly thinks I am mean and horrible and his life is terrible. And it tears my heart out. His feelings, irrational as they are, are real. And how do I teach him that his life? It's not bad. That his mom? Isn't a bad one at all? When he treats me like he does (yes I'll tell you about that in a minute), there's different reactions in my head. The human in me wants to say "you think I'm mean‽ I'll SHOW you mean!!"(but that isn't in me, so I would and could never). The girl who avoided confrontation and anger wants to run away and hide (but I'm also a mom to two other children who need me and would suffer in my absence, so the urge to withdraw isn't as strong as my will to be the mom I know I am). But really, what the hell am I supposed to do when I'm shit on again and again? 

His meltdowns have dramatically gone down to virtually none since he started on meds for his anxiety, but now he handles it in a more calculated way. And this scares me. I'm very concerned that his anger and what feels like true hatred for me will manifest into god knows what as he gets older. What will his actions manifest into?

I get that his ODD (oppositional defiance disorder) affects how he treats me. And that he treats me the worst. I get that if he considers someone an expert he respects them. And this is why, even when he's angry with his father, he does what he's told and is respectful to him. He's a teacher. Therefore he's an expert. But me? I clearly know nothing. He won't believe things I say unless he runs it by his dad. Wtf? It's getting old but I deal with it and his dad backs me up. But this past week, he has told me he wishes his dad had met another woman and that I had never been his mom. He's not just saying words. He means it. He has told me he hates me. I'm mean. (Again, not in the way an NT kid might say it as they grow up, I can see in the look on his face that he's not trying to hurt me, he's being real and blunt and true to how he feels, and this is why it is so upsetting!). He set up booby traps in his room when he went to bed with a note that was hanging from it. "I hate you mom". Ouch. That hurt.  Bad. 

So that was my week. How was yours?

It's official

My son is autistic. Official diagnosis: Autism Spectrum Disorder, ASD.

I've suspected as much since he was a baby, but only left it at the thought in the back of my mind. Always there. Always nagging at me. Sure I asked the pediatrician a few times but was always told things like "it sounds like he needs a snack, when blood sugar level drops children can have difficulty dealing with things and can throw fits". But the fits he has always thrown are unlike any I've witnessed from other children. His anxiety and distress is severe and there is no off switch. No carrot to dangle, no punishment to threaten will prevent a meltdown. Once triggered, a meltdown can go for hours and will only stop when he's ready. The parroting, the tics to soothe himself, so many behaviors that are not seen in a neurotypical child have always been there. As the days, months, and years have passed, they are always there. He's going to be 8 in just over a week, and over the years I had hoped, knowing it wasn't going to happen but hoping nonetheless, that he would "outgrow" the things that make that voice scream at me that there is something wrong.

So I turned to the internet. To my friends on twitter. To anywhere I could find some information and it became apparent that AJ had all the characteristics of Aspergers. A few twitter friends with experience in ASD encouraged me to get him assessed. They helped me to realize that his behaviors were because of the ASD. First I went to my insurance website and found a child psychiatrist who specialized in ASD. That was a waste. The guy did no assessment. He dropped a file and asked AJ for it, when he picked it up as directed the Dr said "thank you", and because AJ has learned good manners and said quietly "you're welcome" the Dr surmised that AJ has ADHD and not ASD. Wait, what‽ So according to this guy, spending 30 seconds with my son is long enough to diagnose anything‽ Um, no. But I did feel defeated. As though I had nowhere else to turn. But again my friends encouraged me to not give up. So I didn't. I remembered a patient at work whose mother works in the schools with autistic kids to be sure they are getting the assistance they deserve. I talked to her and she gave me the name of the Dr who would help us. AJ was finally given a proper assessment as well as being observed at school by this Dr, who gave us the diagnosis.

The funny thing? My emotional reaction to it. If the report came back saying he wasn't on the spectrum, I know I would have said "BULLSHIT!" But to see it in writing? The diagnosis that I have always really known? It was still hard to swallow. It changes nothing in terms of how I feel about my son. And I wouldn't change him for the world. I know him. I know he is a loving, caring boy. Others may see him as unfeeling, unempathetic, and even spoiled. But I know him and couldn't love him any more.

                                              

 

 

So now I feel a bit overwhelmed. There's a lot to take in. To learn. To do. But at least now we have something to go on. The ball is rolling and now we have a chance to help him grow up and get him the help he needs to be successful in school. We have answers as to why he does the things he does. I'm more understanding when a meltdown happens and there's less yelling (from me) as it won't help and doesn't make anybody feel better.

He knows he is different. He confided in me that the kids at school think he is "weird". I haven't told him anything about ASD or that he has it. I am hoping to get guidance from a support group as to how and when to teach him about it. I'm not embarrassed about it and he shouldn't be either, so when the time is right and I know how to, I will explain it to him.