Friday, July 24, 2009


Where have you been?
I've looked for you forever and a day..
Where have you been?
I'm just not myself when you're away..
No, I'm just not myself when you're away.
This is a song that I don't think is very well known, but it is a song I LOVE by Kathy Matea. It's old, but whenever I put it in my CD player, I usually sing it at the top of my lungs over.. and over.. and over again. Well, this is how I have felt lately, about myself. Where have I been?
Right around the time my sweet little Amylia was born, it "dawned on me" that I would never be able to complete my career goal. I had been working towards a goal for myself since around 1998.
Even when my first child, Ashlynn was born, I continued in school to reach my goal. Let me be specific... Ashlynn was due on August 13th, 1999, but I wanted to have her as early as possible (and of course, no earlier than would be healthy for her!) because the fall semester at ASU West (and my first semester there!) was to start August 20th. Well, despite my best laid plans, Ashlynn came when SHE wanted, not on my schedule! I did EVERYTHING to try to start labor starting around August 5th. I walked. And walked. And walked. Don't ask because yes, I tried that. I even tried the whole "castor oil" trick, mixing it with root beer. Disgusting! I couldn't drink root beer for about 5 years after that! Advice for anyone wanting to try that? Don't do it. It did nothing to make me start labor. Nothing worked! So after being induced, having labor for 15 hours, Ashlynn was born by caesarean on August 11th, 1999. I still started school on August 20th, and damn that was hard! I wasn't even cleared to drive yet, but here I was on campus by the first day of school! The reason I did it is because I KNEW that if I even took a semester off, I would probably never complete my education. I continued on and received my Bachelors degree at the same time as my husband, with our 2 year old Ashlynn there at the ceremony! This was step one towards my career goal.
I kept working (as I have done full time since I was 15 years young) and chugged along knowing that the next step was to come soon. Well, then a few years went by and I realized that if our family were to expand any more, it needed to happen now, not once I was back in school. I also knew that if we waited until after school was complete, Ashlynn could very well be so far apart from a new baby, and that large of an age gap seemed like something I did not want. So we began to try for another baby. Along came Adrian! Now our family was pretty much complete, right? I got an IUD because who knew, maybe we would want to have another baby after my education was complete, right?
Adrian was 9 months old when I found out I was pregnant with Amylia (when my husband realized he had super sperm!!). Shock is one way to describe how I felt! Never upset though, this little miracle was meant to be! Clearly I was meant to be the one to bring this little lady into the world! Along came Amylia. This was two years ago.
It was sometime after she was born that I realized that it would be impossible for me to continue on the path I had started down so long ago. I made a back up plan and got started on this back up. Not a bad plan, really. I have always been interested in healthcare and would love to go into nursing, so a nurse it is, that's what I'll do! The negative part is that I do not need a Bachelors degree for this and it really did nothing for me if I become a nurse. I hate to think that maybe all of that education and $ in financial aid pretty much goes to waste, but I have to do SOMETHING with my life so on with it and I was off to see what I needed to do to become a nurse. I have been pursuing this goal now for about a year.
I realized yesterday that this plan = me... quitting. Giving up on my dreams. I think the reason I actually gave up on myself is that I was scared. I think I gave up on myself and thought I couldn't actually cut it. This is not me. This is not how I live my life. So guess what? I'm BAAAACK!! What the HELL was I thinking??? SO WHAT if I am already in my (early!) thirties? SO WHAT if it will be hard to get to the end of this journey? I'm PRACTICALLY there, really! So here goes, all I need is to take 1 class (that's all!) and take A test (the DAT) and I can apply to dental school to become Dr. McKelvey. I will likely continue on and specialize in Orthodontics as I have been an ortho assistant for over 13 years now so that would be using my talents in a smart way.
I know I'm not there yet, it will be a long and hard journey, but where I am now is simply spinning my wheels and the last thing I want is to wake up at age 50 and wish I had gone to dental school, realize that I am 50 something and I still am knee deep just barely surviving. So wish me luck, because if I DON'T make it, it won't be because I gave up.

No comments:

Post a Comment

Feel free to leave me comments! I am always interested in what you have to say, unless I don't agree with it of course!!!

Contact me!

I read all emails I receive and will reply as quickly as possible, thanks!