Shattered into a million pieces

I never imagined that life would turn out like this...
Not many people know what has been going on in our lives here in mc-mommyland.  There are a few reasons for this.  For one, It's too overwhelming for me to share.  I don't exactly have friends or any kind of support system outside of my family at home and maybe 1 or 2 other people. I'm not complaining or trying to have a pity party. It just is what it is and I accept that, in reality, nobody really gives a shit.  I stopped sharing most of the personal shit in my life because why should I?  I mean if people really cared, I would know it and feel support and they would know everything going on.  It's actually freeing to realize that in this big old world I am fully aware of who cares, who is just here to see the shit show, and who is just merely an acquaintance. 
The only reason I am even writing this post is that I believe that it might be therapeutic for me.  I haven't decided if I will post it for anyone to read or not.
But enough about me.  Or perhaps this is all about me.  It's for me, to put it all down and see if it somehow helps me to deal with everything, this much I know.
Things have been hard.  Really hard.  But isn't it hard for everyone?  Between Amylia's PANDAS that doesn't ever really let go of its hold on her, AJ's autism that tends to make things and experiences so much different than his schoolmates, and just the daily stresses of life, I feel like it's a neverending rollercoaster, but not the fun kind.  By the way, this year has literally been 5,000,000,000 day's long even though the calendar says it is only April.  I call total bullshit on that.  There is no way there have only been 3 months and a handful of days in 2019.  But I really should get to the point already.  I don't intend to speak of any of what I am about to share. Not because I am a total bitch.  Mind you, I absolutely am, but that is not why.  It is because, for the first time in my life, I cannot keep my emotions in check.  I've never before been like this.  I can't sleep, I can't eat, I can't even remember.... anything.  I mean I can't even remember things like how long it takes me to get to work at a job I have worked at for 8.5 years.  I can't remember how to do some things that are second nature to me.  I can't remember what time to set my alarm for.  So much I cannot remember.  It's like my brain has turned to complete mush.  It has nothing to do with age or hormones or anything like that.  I think it is 100% grief.  It's a kind of grief that I could never have imagined. 
In early February I intercepted some messages on my son's phone.  He had been moody and has almost always only seen the negative in everything, but I assumed it was the autism, becoming a teenager, getting used to middle school, normal things like that.  How wrong I was. 
Before I intercepted these messages, he had found a friend, a really good friend.  He had confided in me that she was bipolar (she's not) and that she used to cut herself.  He felt so honored that she had told him that when she met him, the only thing keeping her from killing herself was him.  But they had a falling out when she rejected him and did not even want to be friends with him any longer.  He tends to focus all of his energy and attention on her, and she wanted nothing to do with him and it hurt him so bad.  But that happens and it is all a part of life, isn't it? 
He got desperate and tried to text her, but he wasn't understanding the social cues of her responses.  He tried to show her that he cut himself.  He stepped it up, saying he can't do anything right, he can't even kill himself right.  Her response?  Absolutely cold-hearted and chilling. She told him he is not autistic.  She said to him "Go right ahead you unruly fuck"  "Go".  He said "I have already started picking my skin so you have no need to encourage. Because I know how bad you want me dead.  My family, my friends, my teachers, everyone"  He said a few more things about not knowing how to kill himself and here are her replies.... "Left and right for attention up and down for results.  If you shave it helps because the blade on the razor is replaceable. Those cut pretty good.  Remove the blade from the razor.  Do you need a tutorial?", He answers "Yes please".  "First you remove the razor part from the handle.  Then".. "Thanks" he replied, but she didn't stop.  "You cut the wires that block the blade.  Then the blade comes out pretty easy.  You also have to remove the back part."  He asks, "What razor do you use?".  She replies "Gillette.  The men ones are cheaper and work better".  He tells her he doesn't have that kind so he is definitely going to have to get that kind.  They say a few more things but the conversation changed to other things and ends.  I was horrified.  Absolutely horrified. 
A lot happened between then and now.  I shared what was discussed with the other mom.  She had no idea that her child had ever spoken to anyone else like this and she was horrified.  I found myself counseling and consoling her(!!!) when I was the one who's son was wanting to die by this girl's instructions.  But I kept it together (IDK HOW!) and did my best to help calm her down and tell her to take some time to think and cool off before she talked to her daughter.  She ended up pulling her daughter from school and homeschooling her.  Not only because of this but also because of another time this year that she got in trouble for talking about death with someone at school and she was struggling at school as well.  I felt like this could be a positive thing because seeing her at school was so hard for him after I had said he cannot be friends with her anymore because it was a toxic friendship...   He had begun pulling away from his friends because they were also friends with her.  So with her out of the picture things had to turn around for him, right????  WRONG.  He went into a downward spiral and started cutting at school!  He texted me from school to come and get him because he cut himself!  I picked him up and thus began our journey to where he is now. 
A mental health facility.  After an emergency visit to his psychiatrist, who then sent him directly for a psych eval at the hospital, who released him only for him to fall even deeper into depression.  Counseling sessions and  change in meds did nothing to help.  The prospect of intensive outpatient therapy made it even worse.  Then came Saturday night.  I found him on his (DAMN) phone when he wasn't supposed to be on that (DAMN!) app, discord, that he thinks he can hide messages in.  I took it from his room and I knew I needed to check it.  I just knew I had to check.  There it was, he found THAT GIRL on that (DAMN!) app discord.  But the worse part wasn't that he found her, but rather what he talked about with her.  He said the words that made us KNOW we had to actually admit him to a hospital.  "You know how I said I was going to kill myself next Friday?  I meant it.  I already know the exact date and the exact time".  I forced myself to stay up all night because I was worried he would come out to get his phone and talk to her more.  Or worse try to do it sooner now.  The next day we had him admitted to try and get him help and keep him alive.  He admitted that it was true, he planned on killing himself. 
It was the hardest thing I could even imagine doing in my craziest dreams.  I don't know how I have even managed to maintain some sense of normalcy (Ok, only at work can I step out of my life and into my work persona of someone who is composed, professional, and in charge... except this time it's harder.)  I keep it together when I am with a patient.  But sit through a meeting, work on my computer or anything else where I don't have to be my work persona,, and I will just lose it.  I can sometimes fight back the tears, other times I cannot.  Driving and at home I am sometimes hysterical, emotional, crying mess.  I'm hopeful I can get my boy back, and terrified that this may be our new normal until the time comes that we can't save him. 
I don't know when he will be coming home.  I'm not ok.  We're not ok.  I, personally have never been this fragile.  This... broken. 
Don't be upset that I didn't tell you.  It's just something I couldn't do.  I cannot speak of it.  Not yet.  Not on command.  I breakdown.  I can't speak.  Literally. 
I never imagined that life would turn out like this...

I.... blinked....

I've always said "don't blink" to new parents because I was fully aware of how fast childhood flies by.  Yet, here I am wondering where it went.  How did I get to this point in time where my oldest is graduating high school in just a couple of weeks?
Did I cherish the moments of her childhood?  You bet your ass I did.  Do I feel like somehow I missed it all?  I do.  Life.  It's a roller-coaster and although I was a very present and involved mother, I do feel like I blinked and POOF here we are!!!

It is a strange amalgamation of emotions that has hit me like a ton of bricks that I never expected to feel.  It's nearly inexplicable tbh.  It's not sadness, although there have been and will be more tears to fall from my eyes.  I feel happiness, pride, and I don't know what else, but I feel it!  In my world, I didn't expect graduation to be *that* big of a deal.  I mean, yes it is exciting and all that, but it isn't a negotiable thing in my life for my kids.  It's expected and not (again this is in my world) to be this "wow she made it!" sort of a thing because... of course she made it!  I mean, why WOULDN'T she?  Her father is a teacher.  Both of us have higher education (and the debt to prove it!) and seriously high school graduation is not optional.  But then, I guess, things change and you witness things that happen in the world  Children that are taken from the world too soon  So much can happen before this milestone to take it away from a family, that suddenly I DO find great significance in it.  Suddenly I DO feel the need to celebrate,  It IS a milestone and it shouldn't be taken for granted!  And it has me feeling... ALL.  OF.  THE.  FEELS.

So the beginning of the end of high school was last weekend.  Her Senior Showcase in the drama department.  She performed a song that was beautiful.  No microphone.  Just her singing to the track.  And I expected to cry.  I did not.  Don't be impressed.  It's really because this emotion came over me and my chest tightened up, my abs (What?! There are abs in there???!!!) got tight, and I realized that I could not breathe.  Thank god I didn't pass out, that may have embarrassed her more than me tagging her in my facebook post with the link to this youTube video where her friends found her performances back to the 4th grade and they said "OMG I LOVE baby Ashlynn singing!" :) and with that, I present Ashlynn Singing "What I did for Love"...

I. Survived.

I know, shock right?  It was is rough.... and holy expensive and painful and life altering fall batman!  But I survived.
Still not running, the surgeon told me I may find that my knee cannot tolerate running anymore.  He said my body will tell me.  I'm beyond saddened over this, but also determined to prove him wrong.
It's been 4 months since the surgery.... I wonder if I will ever physically feel the same?
I guess only time will tell.
I have so much to tell you. You really have missed so much.
But you will have to stay tuned and come back to find out more....

Fragility

Well, it's scheduled. Surgery. And now I have a month to freak the fuck out. Yes, I tend to be a glass half full kind of girl in almost everything in life. But this sort of thing? Not so much. 

I get that surgeries are routine and all of that, and of course there are still risks involved, as with any surgery there are risks. But having known someone that died from complications of anesthesia, I know that those risks are very real. And it scares me. I'm not terrified of death per se, but more terrified of leaving my children without a mother. Terrified of not waking up and seeing my babies grow up. Yes, I know its a quite morbid view of a pretty routine surgery, but I can't help it. 

But truly if you think about it, tomorrow is promised to no one. I could die before the sun rises, but I'm not scared to fall asleep tonight. So why does this surgery cause me such fear?  I dunno....

But I do look forward to the day I'm healed. When I don't feel so helpless. When I'm not in so much pain that I can sleep at night.  When I can RUN again. God I do miss that. 

You know how kids are almost fearless? They tend to think they are invincible and will not be hurt. I personally have never felt the sense of fragility that I now feel. I wonder if that will ever go away?  Will I forever now be cautious and fear my body will fail me and I could suffer an injury over something as silly as a wet floor?  Who have I turned into?  

I just wanna be me again. 

Love song...

However far away

I will always love you

However long I stay

I will always love you

Whatever words I say

I will always love you

I will always love you

Wait, what????

So........ Remember last time I blogged I said I was ready for what the year had for me?  Can I take that back???!! It's mid February and it appears this year is really gonna blow. Chunks. For realses. 

Not that I dismiss or am ungrateful for all of the good that is in my life. And there's plenty of good. I need only gaze upon my children and I know I'm incredibly blessed. So don't get me wrong, things could always be worse and I always try to see the good in any situation. But my situation? Sucks donkey dick. Yes I did just say that. 

In a sad turn of events, Nana died in January. She was just shy of 94 years old. Days shy actually. So it wasn't out of the blue as she lived a long wonderful life, but it was sad and it kind of feels like the end of a Harry Potter, where Hermoine says "everything is going to change now, isn't it?"  Because she was the matriarch of the family. Tats had died a few years back and now Nana is gone. :(

So we had to go out of the state for the funeral. And as it all started coming together it was clear that I was going to have to not run a half marathon that I register for almost a year in advance. The rock and roll half marathon. I had trained for it and was ready to run it. Would be my 4th half marathon. But couldn't do it because of the timing of the funeral. That was hard for me. It shouldn't have been. But it was. But I knew what I had to do so I accepted that I trained for a race, paid for it and I would not be able to run. This has happened to me once before. When my car was totaled 3 days before a marathon I was supposed to run. Wtf‽ seems I'm out of another race. Fine. It is what it is. So I research and decide there's another half marathon I can register for in March. So off to the funeral we go....

Wait, no. AJ comes down with the flu days before we are to go. Put him on tamiflu (HOLY CRAP $160 for the prescription!!!! That's with insurance!!) and quarantine him and hope nobody else gets it! 

Aaaand then Ashlynn and Amylia get it. Good god can we catch a break???? Thursday comes, we are supposed to drive to Cali... I get the flu! I try to refuse to admit it because clearly this will go away if I deny it, right? RIGHT‽ Joe says we should just go tomorrow and let me sleep but I refuse, because I can't imagine the kids riding in the car all day and going straight to a funeral. So let's just go. We can rest at the hotel and be ready tomorrow (had masks for all in case we weren't better cuz I don't wanna get anyone sick!). We load up the car and I'm in the car when I realize I need to barf. NOW! I hop out and in my driveway let loose. When I'm finished, teary eyed and deflated I look at joe and say he's right and I'm going to bed.  The kids were already buckled even. Lol!

Ok Friday. I wake up all better (NO SHIT!) so we go to Cali. Check in at the hotel (lost the money for the night before as we had reservations but whatever.) It had felt like the fates were trying to keep me from going to the funeral and dammit I got there. Whew! Oh shit, in my flu ridden packing frenzy I forgot shirts for me! Seriously‽ so now we gotta hurry, have Ash get the littles showered while Joe and I go to a store for the things I forgot! Hurry hurry!!!!!

If you've gotten this far, I've saved the best (smh) for last....

We get back to the hotel and I'm gonna shower before Joe. The floor is SOAKED! Good god my littles are messy. Hop in to realize I need a washcloth... Slowly and carefully go to step out and it happens. I fall. When I do something, if u don't know me u don't know this, I really DO it. I knew it was bad as I have a high pain threshold and I couldn't stop sobbing and screaming in pain. I can't get up. My leg feels like something I've never felt before..... 

I couldn't walk but was not going to miss Nanas funeral. Went to the viewing and rosary that night, funeral next day and then drove home. The pain was unbearable. But I pushed through. And now I have a cute cane with roses all over it and a snazzy knee brace. Oh and an MRI later I'm told it will take me a year to heal. At least. Oh I'll need surgery. I completely tore my ACL, partially tore my MCL, and tore my meniscus. Go big or go home baby!  Running? Out. Standing or walking or ANYTHING? Out. So now I am thrust into a world of constant pain, no sleep and seriously depressed. God damn I'm so not graceful....

So how is your year going? :)

Another New Year....

Are you ready for what your future holds? I am....